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Have you ever experienced contrasting emotions, mixed feelings, or simply felt conflicted about something or someone? Have you ever struggled to make a decision because you felt both positive and negative emotions about it? Maybe you felt trapped, stuck, torn by two opposing forces?
If your answer is yes, what you have experienced is called <strong>ambivalence</strong>. It surely isn’t pleasant, but it’s an inevitable part of the human experience. It’s not uncommon for people to think things like:
<em>”I have a great job opportunity, but I love my current job. It feels like, whatever I decide, to stay at my current job or to accept this new one, I’d regret it.”</em>
<em>”I love my husband, but I get attracted to other people. What is happening? Do I really love him?”</em>
<em>”My children bring me so much joy, but they often make me crazy. I want to spend time with them, but I also want them to leave me alone.”</em>
There is nothing weird about these kinds of thoughts. People are complex beings, and with that comes the complexity of their thinking and emotions. Although we would like to have a perfectly clear picture of what we want and how we feel at all times, because of this complexity, it is not always possible.
<h2>What Is Ambivalence? (Feeling Conflicted, Defined)</h2>
<blockquote>Ambivalence is a state of internal conflict, experiencing both positive and negative thoughts and feelings about the same person or issue at the same time. In everyday language, this is what we usually call “feeling conflicted” or having “mixed feelings.”</blockquote>
<a href=”https://www.reallifecounselling.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/priscilla-du-preez-Opa8wEKU_PY-unsplash-scaled.jpg”><img class=”aligncenter size-blog-large-image wp-image-12461″ src=”https://www.reallifecounselling.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/priscilla-du-preez-Opa8wEKU_PY-unsplash-848×300.jpg” alt=”how to deal with mixed feelings” width=”848″ height=”300″ /></a>
We all experience mixed feelings from time to time; it’s an inseparable part of human life. But it’s also an uncomfortable state, one we often don’t know what to do with. Our minds like to be certain, that’s what helps us feel safe, and ambivalence brings just the opposite. Having seemingly contradicting feelings toward something can make us anxious and torn between options.
So, how do you get rid of ambivalence quickly and effectively?
A short answer: you don’t, and you shouldn’t. Instead, you learn to deal with it.
<h2>Ambivalence Is Not the Problem: Intolerance for Ambivalence Is</h2>
We humans are complex beings who walk around trying to put each other into neat little boxes: good or bad, right or wrong, mean or kind. We are prone to black-and-white thinking, trying to categorize people and experiences. This is normal to a certain extent, we’re trying to quickly make sense of what is happening around us and predict what to expect. Simplifying life this way can be useful in today’s fast-paced, over-stimulating world. But if we’re not careful or aware of this thinking, it carries an emotional cost.
The problem arises when we don’t know how to deal with mixed feelings. We say to ourselves: <em>”These two things can’t go together, so which one will I choose? Which of these realities is ‘truer’? Which one wins, and which one will I deny and minimize?”</em>
<a href=”https://www.reallifecounselling.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/brendan-church-pKeF6Tt3c08-unsplash-scaled.jpg”><img class=”aligncenter size-blog-large-image wp-image-12452″ src=”https://www.reallifecounselling.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/brendan-church-pKeF6Tt3c08-unsplash-848×300.jpg” alt=”torn between options” width=”848″ height=”300″ /></a>
<h3>What Is Splitting?</h3>
Extreme intolerance for ambivalence is called “splitting.” It refers to an inability to hold opposing thoughts, feelings, and views of other people and oneself. People who use splitting see the world in absolute terms, without any room for shades of grey. Depending on the situation, people are seen as “perfect” or “total failures.” Something “always” or “never” goes right. They aren’t able to integrate the idea that what we often consider “good” or “bad” traits can exist in the same person.
This, as you can imagine, causes problems in relationships. It makes long-term, stable, healthy relationships almost impossible, and the ability to regulate one’s emotions and moods incredibly difficult.
The problem, then, is not ambivalence itself, but our intolerance for ambivalence.
<h2>Why Mixed Feelings Are Completely Natural</h2>
What’s true is that we <em>can</em> hold multiple emotions and opinions at once, even ones that look contradictory on the surface. They can exist together without canceling each other out. Emotions are states that come and go; they are not permanent. Having both positive and negative feelings toward a person or situation is completely natural.
You can:
<ul>
<li>Love your children dearly AND feel overwhelmed or angry with them.</li>
<li>Want to spend more time with your partner AND need time alone.</li>
<li>Love someone AND know it’s not healthy to keep them in your life.</li>
<li>Compassionately understand what led someone to do what they did AND still hold them accountable.</li>
<li>Believe in yourself AND still be afraid of failure.</li>
<li>Grieve AND still hold space for joy.</li>
<li>Be proud of the career you’ve built AND quietly resent what it’s costing you.</li>
<li>Love your work AND know you can’t keep going at this pace much longer.</li>
</ul>
Being able to see and accept that people, circumstances, and situations contain both “good” and “bad” is one of the defining features of mental health.
<a href=”https://www.reallifecounselling.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/tengyart-auEPahZjT40-unsplash-scaled.jpg”><img class=”aligncenter size-blog-large-image wp-image-12462″ src=”https://www.reallifecounselling.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/tengyart-auEPahZjT40-unsplash-848×300.jpg” alt=”contradicting emotions” width=”848″ height=”300″ /></a>
<h2>When Mixed Feelings Are About Capacity</h2>
There’s a specific kind of ambivalence that shows up for high-functioning professionals, and it deserves its own name.
It sounds like:
<em>”I’m grateful for this role AND I’m exhausted by it.”</em>
<em>”I’m proud of what I’ve built AND I’m not sure how much longer I can carry it.”</em>
<em>”I love what I do AND I dread Monday mornings in a way I never used to.”</em>
This isn’t ordinary ambivalence about a single decision. It’s a steady, low-grade tension between the version of yourself the world sees (capable, composed, accomplished) and the version you privately know is running closer to the edge than anyone realizes.
If that resonates, the mixed feelings might be pointing to something specific: the gap between visible performance and internal capacity.
That gap has a name in clinical work. It’s what Ashley Kreze, founder of Real Life Counselling, calls the <strong>compensatory tax</strong>: the energy spent not on the actual work of your life, but on the meta-work of appearing functional. It’s worth understanding when you’re carrying it, and what it’s costing.
<div style=”background: #fbf9f5; border-left: 5px solid #F79646; padding: 40px; border-radius: 12px; margin: 48px 0; box-shadow: 0 4px 16px rgba(0,0,0,0.06);”>
<h3 style=”margin: 0 0 18px 0; font-size: 26px; color: #1f2937; line-height: 1.3; font-weight: bold;”>The Capacity Audit™</h3>
<p style=”font-size: 17px; line-height: 1.7; color: #1f2937; margin: 0 0 18px 0;”>A short self-assessment for high-functioning professionals who appear to have it together, and quietly know they’re running closer to the edge than they let on.</p>
<p style=”font-size: 17px; line-height: 1.7; color: #1f2937; margin: 0 0 24px 0;”>Takes about 5 minutes. You’ll receive a personalized result PDF and follow-up writing on capacity and the compensatory tax.</p>
<a style=”display: inline-block; background: #F79646; color: #ffffff; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; padding: 20px 44px; border-radius: 8px; font-size: 19px; letter-spacing: 0.01em; box-shadow: 0 4px 12px rgba(247,150,70,0.35);” href=”https://form.typeform.com/to/dcNMabF1?utm_source=rlc&utm_medium=blog&utm_campaign=mixed-feelings” target=”_blank” rel=”noopener”>Take the Capacity Audit™</a>
</div>
<h2>How to Embrace Ambivalence</h2>
Having tolerance for mixed emotions is beneficial for several reasons.
<h3>1. You Stop Spending Energy on Internal War</h3>
When we accept that we can have multiple, seemingly opposite emotions at the same time, we stop investing so much energy in suppressing some emotions or arguing with ourselves about which are “true.” Instead, we re-focus that energy toward accepting our experience, understanding ourselves, and making better decisions.
<h3>2. You Develop Deeper Self-Understanding</h3>
When we accept our experience instead of trying to repress or run away from it, we have a deeper understanding of ourselves. A straightforwardly positive or negative attitude has a clear message: approach or avoid. With mixed feelings, we have the opportunity to review our goals and values and reflect on our beliefs. <a href=”https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/01/160121130754.htm”>One study</a> showed that mixed emotions are a sign of emotional depth, not indecision. They reflect the ability to see things from multiple perspectives, which is often a marker of emotional intelligence.
<h3>3. You Build Healthier Relationships</h3>
Intolerance to ambivalence is a relationship killer. One key element of mature, healthy relationships is accepting the other person as a whole. We don’t have to like all aspects of someone’s personality to love them; in fact, it’s quite impossible. Mature love means seeing different traits of another, acknowledging that we feel positive and negative emotions toward these traits, and still loving, appreciating, and choosing this person.
If we can’t integrate both “good” and “bad” traits of another person into a whole, we may have an idealistic picture of what relationships should look like. This creates unrealistically high expectations, leads to “on” and “off” relationship dynamics, and puts both individuals through emotional and behavioural roller coasters.
<a href=”https://www.reallifecounselling.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/brooke-cagle-kvKSL7B6eTo-unsplash-scaled.jpg”><img class=”aligncenter size-blog-large-image wp-image-12454″ src=”https://www.reallifecounselling.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/brooke-cagle-kvKSL7B6eTo-unsplash-848×300.jpg” alt=”when you have mixed feelings” width=”848″ height=”300″ /></a>
<h2>One Simple Tip for Dealing With Mixed Feelings</h2>
One way to start building tolerance for ambivalence is to acknowledge that two seemingly opposing thoughts or emotions can exist in your mind at the same time. They don’t have to cancel each other out. Make room for both of them and, like a curious scientist, try to observe them without judgment.
You can also make a simple shift in language: replace BUT with AND. When we use BUT, we imply that the two things on either side cancel each other out. When we use AND, we make room for all emotions.
Consider the difference between these two sentences:
<em>”I love my husband but he makes me so angry sometimes.”</em>
<em>”I love my husband and he makes me so angry sometimes.”</em>
Notice how the first has a worried, unresolved connotation. The second one carries something different. One doesn’t negate the other; you get angry at your partner sometimes, which doesn’t mean you don’t love him dearly. With “and” language, the tension stemming from “but” language dissipates. There are no angsty questions lurking, no dilemmas to resolve, no apologies or justifications to be made.
Being clear with yourself about <a href=”https://www.reallifecounselling.com/core-values-guide/”>your values</a>, about who you are, what you find important, and what you want to cherish in life, can also help you resolve ambivalence, or at least guide your decisions when mixed feelings are present.
Embracing ambivalence can open a new spectrum in your interactions with others and in understanding your own experience. Fulfillment and disappointment, love and anger, pain and pleasure: there is room for all of them. Instead of instantly labeling, we can get curious about ourselves and others. With openness for all emotions, we can explore and better understand what is happening, inside and outside of us.
The world is not an either/or place. Our lives are full of shades of grey.
<h2>When to Consider Professional Support</h2>
Mixed feelings are normal. Persistent ambivalence that keeps you stuck, prevents you from making important decisions, or undermines your relationships often benefits from outside perspective.
Therapy provides space to untangle what’s actually there: what you feel, what you want, what you value, and how those interact with the realities of your life. A therapist won’t tell you what to choose. They’ll help you see what you’re carrying so you can make the choice with more clarity.
<div style=”background: #fbf9f5; border-left: 5px solid #F79646; padding: 40px; border-radius: 12px; margin: 48px 0; box-shadow: 0 4px 16px rgba(0,0,0,0.06);”>
<h3 style=”margin: 0 0 18px 0; font-size: 26px; color: #1f2937; line-height: 1.3; font-weight: bold;”>Stuck in conflicted feelings about something big?</h3>
<p style=”font-size: 17px; line-height: 1.7; color: #1f2937; margin: 0 0 18px 0;”>If you’re trying to make sense of mixed feelings about a relationship, a job, a major life decision, or someone you love, talking it through with a therapist can help untangle what’s actually there.</p>
<p style=”font-size: 17px; line-height: 1.7; color: #1f2937; margin: 0 0 24px 0;”>We offer online counselling for individuals and couples across Ontario and British Columbia. Most clients begin within a week.</p>
<a style=”display: inline-block; background: #F79646; color: #ffffff; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; padding: 20px 44px; border-radius: 8px; font-size: 19px; letter-spacing: 0.01em; box-shadow: 0 4px 12px rgba(247,150,70,0.35);” href=”https://www.reallifecounselling.com/start/?utm_source=blog&utm_medium=cta&utm_campaign=mixed-feelings&utm_content=start_counselling”>Start Counselling</a>
</div>
<div class=”ak-faq”>
<h2>Frequently Asked Questions About Mixed Feelings and Feeling Conflicted</h2>
<h3>What does it mean to feel conflicted?</h3>
To feel conflicted means experiencing two or more opposing emotions, thoughts, or desires about the same person, decision, or situation at the same time. You might love someone and feel hurt by them. You might want a new job and be afraid to leave your current one. You might be proud of your career and exhausted by what it’s costing you. Feeling conflicted is the everyday word for what psychology calls “ambivalence,” and it’s a completely normal part of being human.
<h3>What does it mean to have mixed feelings?</h3>
Having mixed feelings means experiencing positive and negative emotions toward the same person, choice, or experience simultaneously. It’s the same emotional state as feeling conflicted: your mind is pulling you in two directions at once. Mixed feelings are not a sign that something is wrong; they’re a sign that you’re processing something complex with the emotional depth it deserves. Research suggests that the ability to hold mixed feelings reflects emotional intelligence, not indecision.
<h3>How do you deal with conflicting emotions?</h3>
The most effective way to deal with conflicting emotions is to stop trying to resolve them and start tolerating them. Both feelings can be true at the same time. A simple technique: replace the word “but” with “and” in how you describe what you feel. “I love my partner AND I’m frustrated with them” instead of “I love my partner BUT I’m frustrated.” This shifts your mind from forcing a choice to making room for both. Get clear on your values to guide your decisions when emotions stay mixed. Persistent conflicting emotions about major decisions often benefit from talking through them with a therapist.
<h3>Is feeling conflicted normal?</h3>
Yes. Feeling conflicted is completely normal and reflects emotional depth, not weakness or indecision. Humans naturally hold opposing emotions, beliefs, and desires at the same time, about people we love, careers we’ve built, and decisions we’ve made. The ability to tolerate conflicting feelings is associated with healthier long-term relationships and better decision-making. Persistent conflict that prevents you from making important decisions, however, may benefit from professional support.
<h3>Is it normal to have mixed feelings about someone you love?</h3>
Yes. Mixed feelings toward people you love are completely normal and a sign of emotional depth, not a problem with the relationship. You can love someone and feel frustrated with them at the same time. Research suggests this ability to hold opposing emotions reflects emotional intelligence and supports healthier long-term relationships.
<h3>What’s the difference between ambivalence and indecision?</h3>
Indecision is the inability to make a choice. Ambivalence is the experience of holding opposing thoughts and feelings about the same thing at the same time. You can be ambivalent and still make a decision. The goal isn’t to eliminate ambivalence; it’s to make decisions that honour the complexity of what you actually feel.
<h3>Why do I feel both grateful and exhausted at the same time?</h3>
This is a specific kind of ambivalence common among high-functioning professionals. Gratitude and exhaustion can coexist when you’ve built something meaningful that’s also costing you more than you’re acknowledging. It’s worth distinguishing between ordinary tiredness and the kind of capacity strain that builds over months or years.
<h3>Can ambivalence be a sign of something deeper?</h3>
Sometimes. Persistent ambivalence about a major life domain, your work, your relationship, your purpose, can point to a values misalignment, capacity strain, or unprocessed grief from past decisions. Therapy can help clarify whether the ambivalence is something to embrace or something to investigate further.
<h3>How is the Capacity Audit different from therapy?</h3>
The Capacity Audit is a clinically-informed self-assessment, not a diagnostic tool or clinical service. It’s designed to help high-functioning professionals reflect on their current capacity across three dimensions: cognitive load, emotional bandwidth, and the compensatory tax. Therapy, by contrast, is a clinical relationship for working through emotional, relational, and psychological challenges. The audit can be a useful starting point for reflection; therapy is where deeper work happens.
</div>
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<h3 style=”margin: 0 0 16px 0; font-size: 22px; color: #617d28; line-height: 1.3; font-weight: bold;”>About the Author</h3>
<p style=”font-size: 16px; line-height: 1.75; color: #4a5568; margin: 0;”>This article was written by the Real Life Counselling team. Real Life Counselling is a virtual group practice founded by Ashley Kreze, MA, RP, RCC, a Registered Psychotherapist (Ontario, CRPO) and Registered Clinical Counsellor (British Columbia, BCACC) with over seventeen years of clinical experience. Ashley also writes about capacity, leadership, and the compensatory tax at <a style=”color: #617d28; text-decoration: underline;” href=”https://ashleykreze.com” target=”_blank” rel=”noopener”>AshleyKreze.com</a>.</p>
</div>
<p style=”font-size: 17px; line-height: 1.7; color: #1f2937; margin: 32px 0 16px 0;”><strong style=”font-size: 18px;”>Sources:</strong></p>
<p style=”font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.7; color: #4a5568; margin: 0 0 14px 0;”>Burton, N. (2012). <em>Self-Deception II: Splitting.</em> Psychology Today.</p>
<p style=”font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.7; color: #4a5568; margin: 0 0 14px 0;”>Schimmack, U. (2001). Pleasure, displeasure, and mixed feelings: Are semantic opposites mutually exclusive? <i>Cognition & Emotion</i>, <i>15</i>(1), 81-97.</p>
<p style=”font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.7; color: #4a5568; margin: 0 0 14px 0;”>Schneider, I. K., Novin, S., van Harreveld, F., & Genschow, O. (2021). Benefits of being ambivalent: The relationship between trait ambivalence and attribution biases. <i>British Journal of Social Psychology</i>, <i>60</i>(2), 570-586.</p>
<p style=”font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.7; color: #4a5568; margin: 0 0 14px 0;”>Zimmerman, E. (2016). <em>Is Ambivalence Healthy? Researchers Have Mixed Feelings.</em> Stanford Business.</p>
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