apologize

How to Apologize the Right Way After You’ve Hurt Your Partner

“Successful relationships master the art of apology”
The Gottman Institute

There is no such thing as a perfect partnership. However strong and stable your relationship may be, it inevitably stumbles from time to time. Disagreements happen, careless words might be said, anger might be expressed inappropriately, insensitivity manifested, or trust broken. Whatever it is, harm has been done and feelings got hurt.

Making mistakes is what makes us humans. But when you’ve hurt your partner, knowing the right way to apologize makes all the difference. True apologizes strengthen, not diminish your relationship.

Obviously, some mistakes are bigger than others, and sometimes saying sorry is not enough. Knowing you’ve hurt the one you love feels awful. You might become frustrated when it seems like whatever you do makes things worse. It is easy to feel hopeless when you simply don’t know what to do to fix things.

Apologizing to your partner and healing your relationship involves more than just saying “I’m sorry”. Let’s see what you can do to effectively start reconnecting again after you’ve hurt your partner.

Offer Sincere Apology

Okay, this sounds like an obvious one, but it’s important to highlight what an honest apology really is.

Genuine apology is directed toward your partner’s hurt and possibly healing the damage your actions have caused, not necessarily on getting forgiveness. If your main reason for saying sorry is to get things back to normal as soon as possible and enjoy the beauty of your relationship again, your apology is not sincere and might even make things worse. Chances are high that your partner will recognize your apology as manipulative, you will get frustrated pretty quickly and things will escalate again, damaging your relationship even further.

So, before you apologize, get honest with yourself about why you want to apologize. What are you genuinely sorry for?  Try to see things from your partner’s perspective.

Acknowledge Their Hurt And Don’t Get Defensive

When you finally decide to go to your partner and apologize, prepare to get uncomfortable. Your partner might interrupt your apology by describing how much you’ve hurt them and what they are going through after your actions. In this case, it’s crucial to let them speak and not interrupt them with your view of the situation.

“Don’t listen to respond, listen to understand”

Apologizing can seem scary for some people because it puts them in a vulnerable position. Naturally, following the need to protect themselves from guilt, they get defensive.  However, for the offended party, defending your behavior and giving explanations is seen as trying to get excused from the situation and avoiding to take responsibility for your actions.

“Never ruin an apology with an excuse”

When someone is hurt, the most important thing for them is to feel understood. You need to show your partner that you are aware of the pain that you have caused and address it in your apology. Take responsibility for hurtful things that you said or did. This means that you won’t blame your partner for how you behaved and that you will resist the temptation to get defensive. Don’t minimize their feelings or question their logic. Remember, your job here is not to be right, but to help your partner feel listened and cared for.

apologize

Express Willingness To Do Whatever It Takes

Tell your partner what have you learned from the incident and list the things that you will do or change to avoid repeating the same mistake again. It’s important, however, to really believe in this and to make it realistic. False promises will only damage your relationship even more.

We are all different people with a unique set of traits and different needs. Thus, what you think is helpful might not be what your partner actually wants so to feel better. Instead, find out what your partner needs from you in order to find a resolution. It shows to your partner that you respect them and that their feelings are important to you.

Sometimes, even the one that is hurt doesn’t know what exactly would make things better. That’s okay. As long as you show them that you are there for them, that you might don’t know how to make things better but you are willing to learn, it’s already healing.

 

Be Patient And Don’t Push For Forgiveness

It’s understandable that you want your relationship to get back on track as soon as possible. But, remember that your main objective was not to get forgiveness and be comfortable again quickly, but to make things easier for your partner and start building trust and connection again. Therefore, give your partner some space and time to process all those unpleasant emotions of anger, frustration, hurt, disappointment etc. Don’t rush them through this process or blame them for taking “too long” to forgive you.

After the apology, it’s important not to act like everything is back to normal and nothing happened. Forgiveness is a process, not an event. Even if things in your relationship seem ok shortly after the apology, wounds are probably still fresh and you need to be patient and gentle with your partner.  This is a great opportunity to demonstrate your commitment. Actively show through your actions that you are willing to invest your time and energy to make things better for your partner.

Knowing how to apologize properly and meaningfully is one of the keys to successful relationships. However, it’s important to know that apologizing is not about accepting the blame for something. It’s about acknowledging and responding to your partner’s emotional pain that your actions provoked. You can, and should be accountable, but everyone is responsible for their emotional reactions too. It is not acceptable for an upset partner to be abusive, physically or verbally.

It takes an active part from both partners to repair a situation.

 

Sources:

https://dalspace.library.dal.ca/bitstream/handle/10222/10273/Alter%20Research%20Apology%20EN.pdf

https://principleskills.com/a-proper-and-meaningful-way-to-say-im-sorry/

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/6-ways-to-provide-comfort-if-youve-hurt-your-partner-0910184

Forget About Self-Esteem And Replace It With Self-Compassion

You probably heard that self-esteem is one of the most important things for leading a productive, successful, pleasurable life. But the term is a little confusing – does it mean self-worth? Self-respect? How do you know your self-esteem is too low and how much of it is too much? What is the optimal level of self-esteem?

Cambridge English Dictionary defines self-esteem as “belief and confidence in your own ability and value”. Self-esteem is also often defined as “One’s own sense of self-worth or personal value”. What is problematic in this concept is that it refers to “worthiness” and “value” of the human being.

The Illusion of Self-Esteem

Let’s stop for a second and see what value means: “The regard that something is held to deserve”. Indirectly, the term “self-esteem”, therefore, suggests that holding ourselves in high regard is something to be deserved. It suggests that we need to have certain traits or do certain things to earn to be “worth” of respect and love. It inevitably includes self-evaluation. But here is the thing…

You are “worthy”, “valuable” and “deserving”, if you want to use these poor terms, simply because you exist, because you are alive. There is no such thing as “more valuable” or “less valuable” person. Achievements, skills, talents, or some qualities or lack of those can’t determine our human value, because our worthiness is already set simply by our existence.

It is important to note that self-esteem is a concept different from self-efficacy, which refers to how well you believe you’ll handle future actions, it represents your belief in your own abilities. Someone can be appreciated by many people, accomplish great things, be successful in several areas, and those are all amazing things that are certainly pleasant. You may achieve greater happiness or more efficiency by achieving your goals or by believing in your abilities, but that doesn’t increase your intrinsic worth, nor do your failures can lower your human value.

Chasing Self-Esteem Won’t Make You Happier – Maybe Even the Opposite

Another problem with the concept of self-esteem, other than the fact that it is based on non-existent, or at least unhealthy, premises of “worthiness” and “value”, is that it also obliquely requires comparison with other people. Evaluation can’t exist without comparison to some “standard” or some external object. Therefore, determining our own worth means we first have to compare ourselves with others. As Albert Ellis, the father of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) claims: “Self-esteem theoretically rests upon an often inaccurate and unstable global rating of the self in comparison to others”. This necessarily means that, to have high self-esteem, we need to feel above-average. You can easily see it in the simple fact that today, in our culture, being seen as average is considered an insult. But for every human being to be special and above average is logically impossible.

Trying to see yourself as better than others all the time is exhausting and can easily lead to self-criticism. To retain superiority, we have to meet very high standards. As soon as our feelings of superiority slip – which is inevitable because there are so many different people in this world and there is always someone better, smarter, prettier etc. – our self-esteem easily goes down.

self-compssion

For a long time, mental health professionals believed that high self-esteem is a predictor of greater happiness and life satisfaction. However, as much as this notion seems like common sense, research shows that there is no scientific evidence of a correlation between higher self-esteem and pleasurable living.

Another study states: “Self-esteem in the West is not based upon an unconditional appreciation of the intrinsic worth of all persons. (…) Research, in fact, demonstrates that high self-esteem displays associations with a broad range of psychosocial dysfunctions, including, for example, narcissism, poor empathy, depreciation of others, prejudice, aggression, and distorted self-knowledge”.

Okay, if not self-esteem, then what? Well, there is actually a healthier alternative to self-esteem that really predicts better mental health, greater life satisfaction, and overall happiness – self-compassion.

What Is Self-Compassion?

“Self-compassion means that the individual fully and unconditionally accepts herself whether or not she behaves intelligently, correctly, or competently and whether or not other people approve, respect or love her” (Ellis 2005, p. 38).

Self-compassion is the way of treating yourself – in a supportive and non-judgmental way, with kindness, understanding, and love. Being self-compassionate mean that you recognize previously mentioned notion about all humans having value simply by the fact they exist in this world, not by the set of traits and abilities they possess. Self-compassion encourages you to acknowledge your flaws and limitations, without forcing yourself to meet some high standards to feel that you are okay as a person. It allows you to look at yourself from a more objective and realistic point of view without evaluating or comparing yourself with others.

Why Nurturing Self-Compassion Over Building Self-Esteem?

Opposite to high self-esteem, studies haven’t found any negative effects of self-compassion yet. In fact, self-compassion predicts better psychosocial adjustment and resilience while avoiding the liabilities associated with high self-esteem.

Self-compassion gives us a more stable sense of self-love because it comes from within. On the other hand, as it’s based on comparison with others, self-esteem is unstable because it depends on external circumstances. This often results in having a more negative emotional reaction or protecting behaviours when people evaluate us negatively or even neutrally because we are trying to protect our self-esteem from collapsing. With self-compassion, in contrast, we don’t need to defend or protect ourselves from negative feedback, because we know that it won’t affect how we see ourselves as a person.

Self-compassion provides emotional safety to see ourselves as we really are. Instead of labelling ourselves as good or bad, as of high-value or worthless, we should accept our flaws with an open heart, take responsibility for our behaviour and choices, and still be kind to ourselves. It’s okay that we are imperfect humans leading imperfect lives, and we don’t need to strive to be “better” than others to love ourselves or hold ourselves in high regard.

 

 

Sources:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17484611

https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Stephenson2017.pdf

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1023/A:1025098225171

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/try_selfcompassion

https://centerformsc.org/learn-msc/self-compassion-vs-self-esteem/

Ellis, A. (2005). The myth of self-esteem: how rational emotive behaviour therapy can change your life forever. Prometheus Books.

social media

Saving Your Happiness: How to Use Social Media in a Healthy Way

Today, it would be really difficult to find anyone who’s not using at least one form of social media. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Pinterest and many more became an inevitable part of our lives. And it can be great – isn’t the quick way to connect with your loved ones and share your experiences with each other in seconds amazing? Isn’t the opportunity to quickly consume any type of information you’re interested in, from educational to entertaining, simply awesome?
Yes, if you have a healthy relationship with social media. But, sometimes, it can be easy to forget what it really means.

Social Media and Mental Health

While some studies claim the relationship between mental health and usage of social media is still vague, others have found that higher social media use could have the negative effect on our mental health in forms of anxiety, depression, lower self-esteem, more negative body image, and feelings of loneliness and isolation. Which effect social media will have on your mental health depends on numerous different factors, such as the way you use it or the amount of time spent on social media.

You already know that it’s easy to fall into a dark hole of scrolling through your social media feed for hours. You also know how awful you can feel afterward. But you don’t have to give up social media completely to avoid its negative effects. If you use it the right way and have a couple of things in mind, social media can have a positive presence in your life. Here are some tips to stay happy and healthy online.

 

1. It’s All a Filter – And That’s Okay

We all want to be loved. We also want to leave a good impression on people. It feels great when people see us as fun, smart, pretty, successful (be free to add your own ideal set of characteristics ). That is perfectly fine. There is nothing wrong with enjoying compliments and wanting people to think good about you – it’s our natural tendency – as long as:

A) …it doesn’t become an obsession for you, where you don’t let people see anything that is, by your standard, less than perfect or socially desirable. If this sounds a little like you, THIS is the article that might be useful.

B) …you’re aware that other people have this desire too, and social media allows them to fulfill it.

When scrolling through your Instagram or Facebook, always remember that social media allows people to show you only the parts of them they want you to see. You usually won’t see the photo of your neighbor brushing their teeth or having a headache. However, you WILL see them enjoying a cocktail on a rooftop bar or receiving an award for something awesome. Your friends on social media have a bunch of amazing and also not-so-great moments in their lives, but it’s such an easy thing to forget. It’s so easy to get caught in a trap of believing that what you see on social media is the whole reality. So, what should you do?

Imagine social media as a filter between you and other people that lets through only positive snapshots of their lives. That is what you see on your feed. It doesn’t mean people are lying or they’re “fake”; it just means they’re showing you only certain, chosen parts of their lives. Always remember to approach social media with this mindset.

social media happiness

2. Comparison is a Strong Weapon Against Your Happiness

If you understand the previous point – how people show us only a filtered picture of their lives on social media – then you realize that comparing yourself to other people online makes no sense. You’re different people with different set of characteristics, abilities, connections, life circumstances and many more! Comparing your whole life, including all its ups and downs, with a polished picture of someone else’s is not a fair battle.

Comparison opens door to envy, loneliness, bitterness and a whole bunch of other unhealthy emotions you don’t want in your life. Why, then, you let the comparison do it when it won’t increase the quality of your life in any way? The answer: because it’s an automatic reaction.

Comparison is pointless – unless you want to destroy your happiness – then it’s a powerful tool.
There are two ways to fight comparison. One is to consciously choose to notice when you start comparing yourself to others and stop. Yes, simply put an end to it right that moment. Log out, tell yourself you’re doing the pointless thing again, unfollow the person.

The other way is to turn this automatism into your advantage by reformatting comparison into an inspiration. Remember that someone else’s happiness does not minimize your own, nor you’re doing something wrong for having a different life than that person. Instead, set your own goals, and let some of the social media posts you see serve as an inspiration and motivation to pursue them. Instead of getting jealous and falling down the rut of self-pity, you can be grateful for the inspiration that moves you towards your goal.

Your only competition is your former self.

 

3. No, You’re NOT Missing Out

Do you automatically reach out your phone because maybe something interesting or exciting is happening online and you might miss it? What if others are having an amazing time and you’re not there to see it? If this sounds like you, you’re maybe experiencing fear of missing out or, popularly, FOMO.

FOMO is the type of a general anxiety over the idea that others are having more exciting and fun experiences elsewhere while we’re not involved. This term is in use for more than 20 years, but more and more people are experiencing it with the rise of social media. In fact, one study showed that FOMO is the strongest contributing factor to social media addiction among youth.

What is often happening when you’re glued to your phone searching for fun online is that you’re trying to escape the reality around you.

Are you satisfied with what is going on right now in your life? Try to pinpoint the reason why getting lost in social media feed is more interesting than being involved in the present moment. Writing it on a piece of paper might be useful. Now, what can be some possible solutions? Running away from reality is not one of them.

Another thing that might help you combat this unpleasant feeling of missing out is mindfulness. When you’re fully present, when you’re consciously paying attention to every moment of your life without judgment, you are making the active decision to enjoy things and people around you.

 

Being on social media can create some positive experiences in your life, but it can also become an additional stressor. If you feel that social media is impacting your mood more than it should, or you feel like it’s taking significantly more time of your day than you’d want and you find it hard to control, consider reaching out and speaking with someone. There is always a solution, and you don’t have to search for it alone.

 

Sources:

https://mentalhealthscreening.org/blog/how-to-have-a-healthy-relationship-with-social-media
https://guilfordjournals.com/doi/10.1521/jscp.2018.37.10.751
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S174014451730517X#
https://www.ntu.ac.uk/about-us/news/news-articles/2018/06/fear-of-missing-out-driving-social-media-addiction,-study-suggests
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4183915/

worry, anxiety

One Powerful Technique to Ease Your Worrying Mind and Anxiety

Are you stuck in your head? Do you feel like you are worrying about anything and everything all day long? Repeating the same scenarios in your head over and over and spiraling down the hole of anxious thoughts is tiring!

Sometimes, worry can be a good thing. When there is a realistic possibility of failure or unpleasant thing occurring, worry can motivate us to work harder, prepare and focus on what we can control. However, when it slips into rumination about the things you have no control over, it doesn’t lead to productive or practical solutions. Instead, it triggers unhelpful thought patterns and excessive worry that repeat over and over. It’s completely useless and simply frustrating. But how to stop?

Why Simply Telling Yourself to Stop Worrying is Not Helpful

Your excessive worry isn’t there without a reason. You bother yourself with worst case scenarios and anxious thoughts because they give you a false sense of control. If you worry too hard, bad things might not happen, right? And if they happen, you’d surely be prepared?

Still, you don’t feel any better if the thing you were worried about really occurs, do you? Think about it.

Remember, worrying gives you a FALSE sense of control. We have a tendency to believe that rumination will bring a sense of relief, but it doesn’t because that tailspin has no end or solution, which just intensifies anxiety more.

Simply telling yourself to stop doing something is not enough because, as mentioned above, somewhere deep down you might believe that worry gives you some sense of control and relief. That’s why your subconscious mind doesn’t let go. However, this sense of control is extremely weak, and the damage to your mental health far outweighs that illusion of the “benefit”.

So the first thing you need to do is to consciously decide to give up on trying to control things you can’t control. Second, stop blaming yourself for feeling anxious. It’s enough you feel overwhelmed in the first place; you don’t need additional pressure. Simply telling yourself to stop worrying doesn’t work. So, what does?

Schedule Worry Time

It may sound counterproductive, but forcing yourself to worry during a specific time of the day may actually help you worry less. Studies consistently show that dedicating 15 to 20 minutes during the day to purposely obsess over things that worry you actually decreases the number of worrying thoughts during the day and helps to ease anxiety.

Rules are simple: schedule 15 minutes at a specific time every day to worry about your problems. Pick a time when you know you’ll be able to focus all your attention to worry without interruptions. However, try to make this time at least 2 hours away from your bedtime to avoid possible difficulties falling asleep.

Okay, now that you made your appointment with worry, spend some time with it. Dedicate your full attention to your anxious thoughts during those 15 minutes, without fighting them or trying to make them go away. Don’t try to think positive or to convince yourself these thoughts are unnecessary. Exactly the opposite – strive to come up with as many worries as you can, and try to be as uncomfortable as possible in reviewing them. If you run out of ideas in those 15 minutes, it’s important to not walk away. The goal is to fill the whole 15 minutes with worry, not a minute more or less. If you spent all your anxious ideas in the first 10 minutes, repeat the ones you already thought over.

When your scheduled date with worry passes, get up and go on with your day. You’ll meet your worry at the same time the next day, but not until then. Anxious thoughts will, of course, try to sneak in and occupy space in your head during the day. Just politely tell them that now is not the time, and they will have to wait until the appointment when you’ll listen to all of them. If they are persistent, instead of getting stuck in your head with them, try some of the mindfulness techniques like focusing on the outside sensations or on your breathing.

mindfulness

How And Why Worry Time Works

There is a little mind twist here. You’re probably frustrated with not being able to run away or combat all those worrying and uncomfortable thoughts; it just seems there are too many of them all the time. However, when you turn tables around and purposefully try to find as many of them as possible, you realize three things:

  1. There are not so many of them after all,
  2. Facing your worries and letting unpleasant feelings those obsessing thoughts evoke is not so terrible or unboreable,
  3. In the end, worrying becomes boring.

These three things change the way you approach your worry and gradually ease your anxiety over anxiety. Instead of becoming all tense on the first thought of worry, you become to experience other emotional responses, like boredom for example. That creates space for making a distance from unhelpful thought patterns and for taking a more realistic perspective.

 

In the end, one important note: be persistent. Give time for change. When you start practicing this technique, it’s possible that your worry will intensify in the first few days, and it will be more difficult to resist rumination between worry times. That is frustrating, but also totally natural. Just keep up the practice. Emotional changes need time. However, if this technique stirs up extremely strong emotions in you after a week, stop practicing it. Additionally, don’t hesitate to ask for additional support. Your therapist will work with you to discover what lies behind your anxious thoughts and feelings, and find techniques and tools that suit you best.

 

Sources:

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/16581710_Stimulus_control_applications_to_the_treatment_of_worry

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22977265

https://www.anxieties.com/102/self-help-practice-4-create-worry-time#.XDnKUVxKjIU

 

searching for your passion

Why Searching for Your Passion Is Not a Good Idea

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life!” the clichéd saying goes. However, is it really true?

There is a widespread notion in our society that following your passion is the key to a fulfilled and happy life. Well, it turns out this kind of belief is not only a myth but can be very limiting and even dysfunctional.

Your Idea about What Passion is is Probably Wrong

If someone would ask you what your passion is, what would you say? What are you wholeheartedly passionate about? *tick-tock* *tick-tock*…

The truth is, this question is triggering! The majority of people feel pressured to come up with a good answer, and if they don’t, they feel like something is wrong with them. Considering everything society and media constantly feed us, that’s no surprise. We’ve been told that finding our true passion is a secret to a purposeful and joyful life, and if we don’t discover what it is, well… we’re destined to misery. But that’s completely wrong. Actually, the whole concept of passion you can often see in many self-help books, motivational speeches, movies, magazines, and other sources is inaccurate.

The thing with passion is that it’s not something you do; passion is something you feel.

Passion is a full force of your attention and energy that you give to whatever is right in front of you.

– Terri Trespicio

Passion is a feeling you find within yourself.

Yes, it’s true that with some things we’re able to find this feeling more easily than with some others. Cooking or writing can be extremely joyful while doing paperwork in the office can be painfully boring. However, it’s not paperwork itself that makes you feel bored; it’s the way you look at it. If you approach it with curiosity and shift your attention on finding interesting things in paperwork, it becomes so much more enjoyable. Actually, if you focus on becoming better at paperwork over time, it may lead you to becoming passionate about it in the end. That’s because passion is not a destination; it’s developing over time and through life experiences.

find love in what you do

Looking for One and Only Passion = Fixed Mindset and Limited Experiences

One research found that, compared to people who see passion as a developing feeling through activity, individuals who believe people have a relatively fixed passion that just waits to be discovered have a tendency to quit more often when things become difficult or less interesting. That’s because they believe that, when you’re passionate about something, it becomes a boundless source of motivation and, as already mentioned, “you won’t have to work a day in your life anymore”. But that is not true; in any job, even the best one, there are certain things that are not so pleasant or fun. So, when things become difficult, and they will with anything you do at one point, a belief that it must mean “it’s not your true passion” gives you an easy way out.

As the authors of the research say: “Urging people to find their passion may lead them to put all their eggs in one basket but then to drop that basket when it becomes difficult to carry”.

Really, being obsessed with finding your passion can limit your experiences and prevent you from exploring some areas you might be really good at. Moreover, if you believe that once you find your passion it will all be sunshine and rainbows and that you’ll feel motivated all the time, it will almost certainly lead to disappointment after disappointment.

 

Instead of searching for your passion, be passionate!

All this, of course, doesn’t mean that if you know exactly what you’re passionate about, and you’re pursuing it, something is not right. No, if you’re happy with what you do, that’s awesome! That inner sense of excitement is something many people are searching for, and you’ve found it – we’re glad for you! J

For those of you with panical inner screaming: “I don’t know what I’m passionate about!”, know that it’s okay. Nothing is wrong with you. It’s great you don’t know, actually – that gives you the opportunity to explore and see how you can develop your passion. If something you do, let’s say a new job, doesn’t click right away – give it time. Try to become better at it and approach it with an inner sense of enthusiasm and interest.

Pursue your whole life with passion. Give special attention to everyday things, from paying your bills to doing your laundry or working out. Become fascinated by little, ordinary things that surround you. That, and not one special thing that you’re trying to discover, will make for an enjoyable and freeing life you strive for.

stop searching for your passion

Sources:

http://gregorywalton-stanford.weebly.com/uploads/4/9/4/4/49448111/okeefedweckwalton_2018.pdf

https://www.forbes.com/sites/tamiforman/2018/02/14/havent-found-your-passion-stop-worrying-and-do-this-instead/#41f1b3ff1908

 

holiday depression

When December Becomes Blue: Coping With Holiday Depression

Holidays are here! Yay…? While everyone around you seems joyful and excited, you’re maybe wondering why you’re feeling so blue.

If you’re feeling depressed or anxious during this time of the year, you’re definitely not alone. In fact, holiday season triggers feelings of sadness, irritability, loneliness, grief, depression, anxiety, and a bunch of other unpleasant emotions for more people than you think.

For some of us, holidays bring pleasant memories. For others, on the other hand, holidays have that sneaky nature of bringing some painful memories to the surface. Add financial pressure, tight deadlines, social obligations, or meeting with family members that you know will say or do something that stresses you out… Now it’s not so surprising that you’re not all that cheerful and excited for holidays, is it? However, there are ways to turn things around and feel different than this.

So, let’s try to make it a little easier this year. Here are 4 strategies for handling this end-of-the-year situation and coping with holiday depression:

*** 1. Let yourself feel. ***

Suppressing emotions is a road to depression. Emotional avoidance is one of the main causes of not only depression, but a wide range of psychological problems. Don’t be afraid of your feelings – they are already there in you. If you’re trying to avoid grief, loneliness, sadness or any other unpleasant emotion because you think it’s intolerable or dangerous or inappropriate, you’ll soon feel anxious about such emotion arising. Before you know it, you’ll invest so much energy in trying to suppress unpleasant feelings surfacing, that it will drain all your energy and become a negative experience itself.

It’s OK to cry and feel sad or lonely. Give yourself some time to sit with your painful feelings and to accept them. Acceptance can feel relieving – it means you don’t have to spend a tremendous amount of energy anymore on pushing your feelings away. So, let yourself feel. THEN, and don’t forget this step, do something nice for yourself and socialize.

*** 2. Create new traditions. ***

Putting on a brave face for others can be especially difficult when the world is blasting us with images of group hugs and the memory of your final hug with someone you love is all that you can think about.

– Suzanne Deges-White, Ph.D., Psychology Today

Holidays have a way of opening old wounds that we may try to forget about during the year. Also, sometimes, there is pressure to perform rituals and traditions that we may not necessarily feel connected to or comfortable doing. Some people even feel that, by changing the same old holiday traditions, they will somehow betray their loved ones who are no longer with them.

Instead of focusing on what once was, why don’t you try and create a new tradition? There are no hard rules on how your holiday should look like. It’s completely OK to get creative and do something out of the ordinary. This doesn’t mean you have to erase all the rituals that were once a part of your holidays; instead, you can reinvent them in a way that feels fun and comfortable for you and your loved ones, or even create a special new ritual that honors the person that is no longer there. Starting a new tradition can help create fresh memories of holidays, no longer overshadowed by the past.

*** 3. Keep Your Expectations in Check ***

These days, fairy-tailish photos and videos of happy people enjoying the holidays with their loved ones seem to be everywhere. Movies, TV shows and social media set great expectations of how this time of the year “should” feel. What is important to have in mind is that reality is often different.

Everyone have their own version of the perfect holiday. However, when reality doesn’t live up to the dream, stress and disappointment kick in. It’s nice to have a plan on how you’d like to spend your holidays, including details about people, decoration, food, gifts, etc. It’s a whole another story if everything MUST be the way you planned it. Instead of losing your mind over a burnt tray of cookies or your cousin being late to the family gathering again, stop for a moment and change your perspective. Look at these missteps as opportunities to exercise your resilience and flexibility.

When you throw away all “musts” and “shoulds”, you’ll view things more realistically, and remove the pressure that’s causing you stress and negativity. Set your expectations aside and remind yourself to enjoy the moment.

*** 4. Go Outside and Give. ***

Whatever you do, it’s best not to withdraw yourself completely from social activities and holiday festivities. Isolation will almost certainly make holiday blues worse. Even when you’re in the midst of grief, you still have something to offer to the world. If you feel lonely, or like you don’t have anybody to spend holidays with, it doesn’t mean you have to stay alone. There are people out there that will enjoy your company much more than you think. So, get outside and do what you can to make their (and your) holidays more pleasant and less lonely. Kindness is such an incredible tool to combat sadness – yours or other peoples’.

Donate gifts to families in need, serve meals at a soup kitchen, or volunteer to help people at a nursing home or homeless shelter or wherever it’s possible in your city. Go outside and explore what new nice things holidays have for you.

And for the end, the most important thing of all: don’t be afraid to ask for help when you’re struggling with the holidays. Reminding loved ones that you’re having a rough time may be enough, but you also may want to reach out for more support. There is a difference between holiday blues, which lasts only around the holiday time, and more severe depression. If the holiday season passes and you still feel the same, it’s best to consult a professional.

We know you got this.

Enjoy the holidays 🙂

Sources:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-therapy/201009/emotional-acceptance-why-feeling-bad-is-good

https://medicalxpress.com/news/2017-12-psychiatrists-holiday-blues.html

https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/holiday-stress-managing-expectations.aspx

worrying about what other people think of you

Stop Worrying About What People Think of You All the Time by Changing Your Perspective

“I’d like to do that, but what would they think of me?!”

“OMG this is so embarrassing.”

“I know I shouldn’t care about what other people think and I would love to stop but I just can’t.”

 

 

Bet you’ve had some of the above thoughts at least once in your life.

The majority of people have the need to fit in and connect to others – it’s one of the basic human needs.

In fact, from the evolutionary perspective, making sure to gain social acceptance was the most important thing for your great great great ancestors to survive. In those times, living alone in the wilderness was equal to, well, being dead very soon. Therefore, social acceptance and being a part of the tribe was everything! However, times have dramatically changed, and, fast forward 10,000 years to today, our survival no longer depends on the judgment of others. Still, we’re left with this pretty annoying habit of worrying about what other people think of us in the world where the concept of social survival doesn’t exist anymore.

So, what do we do with it now?

First of all, being aware of how others perceive us can be useful for us but – and this is the key – in moderation. Being insensitive of other people’s opinions is not helpful – it can get you in trouble and harm your meaningful relationships. If you care about what your boss or your family or close friends think of you, it can help you be a better friend, relative, employee. You’ll be kinder, gentler, and probably happier in general.

Unless you care too much.

Sometimes we can spend a large portion of time and energy worrying about being socially judged, and that’s the point where healthy awareness becomes a source of stress and anxiety. It can hold you back from making changes in life or doing things you love because of the fear of how it will look. In the end, it can prevent you from showing the world the real you. And that’s a pity, because we’re all unique, and the world deserves to see you as you really are. And you deserve it too.

So, if you decided to take control over your fear of being socially judged and over time and energy you invest in it, here are two new ways you can look at it:

Perspective 1: People don’t think about you as much as you think

Studies show that we constantly overestimate how much other people think about us and how harshly they judge us. In reality, although it’s not always visible, the majority of people is far more focused and worried about how they’ll appear to others, including you.

When you have this in mind, it changes your perspective on social situations. If you’re aware that people are often concerned about how they’ll be perceived as much as you are, you can shift your focus from worry to kindness. Instead of being self-conscious all the time, help others feel appreciated and valued and make social situations easier for them. It will make you both feel better.

Perspective 2: Caring what other people think of you should depend on the nature of your relationship

You probably heard before that you shouldn’t care what others think. Well, that’s true… and also not.

How much you care about others’ opinions should depend on the nature of your relationship. As mentioned above, paying attention to the views of close family and friends is good for both sides. It leads to greater satisfaction with the relationship and works toward keeping that relationship in a good place. As long as your decisions are influenced by your own judgment and not by the fear of how your close ones will react, everything is good.

On the other hand, opinions of people you encounter on the street or in the public transport should not matter at all.

That’s right – none.

Worrying about what acquaintances or people who you probably won’t see again think of you is not that useful. It can prevent you from speaking your opinion, looking how you want to look, or doing things you enjoy in public, like singing or reading a book while sitting alone in a café.

The only remedy for this is practice – express yourself in small steps. Do things you’d like to do that don’t harm anyone, but you’re too embarrassed of doing. It’s going to be uncomfortable at first, but step by step, it will become easier. Ultimately, you’ll feel freer and more confident.

Try it!

Wear that weird hat you love so much. Say your political opinion (politely) even when you know the person who you’re speaking with doesn’t agree. Dance to that amazing song street musician is playing.

It doesn’t matter if they’ll approve or not. What matters is what you’ll slowly find out, and that is that other people’s opinions can’t harm you. Also, it will surprise you how many people will accept you as you are, in spite of all flaws you try to hide so badly.

What’s the smallest step you’re ready to take right now?

 

Sources:

http://psycnet.apa.org/record/2001-07168-004

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fighting-fear/201306/caring-what-other-people-think

loving your body

Guest Blog: How Yoga Can Help You Embrace Your Body As It Is

Imagine how life would be if you loved the way you looked? Yes, including all those beautiful imperfections. Instead of wanting to change that certain part you dislike about your body, what if you came to completely accept it? What if loving your body became natural for you?

Living in a social media driven world, what’s online may make one feel anything but empowered and self-assured. Unfortunately, media has led us to believe that if we look a certain way, our lives will magically become perfect.

We get it, feeling confident in the modern world may not be easy but it’s totally possible. There are many women out there who love their bodies – and they’re all in different shapes and sizes.

Loving your body completely simply boils down to respecting yourself and accepting how you look. Using yoga as a tool, we assure you that the journey to this place is going to be an incredibly joyous one, and we will explain how in this guide.

Asana in yoga helps you reconnect with your body

Asana, or yoga postures, allow you to connect with your body via breath and movement.

Postures in yoga allow us to separate different aspects of our body, comprehend their functioning and understand how these areas work together.

If you’ve suffered from negative body image at any point of your life, you’re probably aware that it largely involves avoiding and isolating oneself from aspects of the body that induce feelings of shame and self-loathing.

Yoga helps you extricate yourself from this escalating form of neglect by encouraging you to listen to your body. To perform any yoga posture, you have to acknowledge each part of your body and understand how it prefers to move.

 

Pranayama promotes peace of mind

Yoga comprises of two main parts: breath (pranayama) and posture (asana). Pranayama, or more specifically, Ujjayi, is a specific style of breath in yoga. It develops heat in the body while stimulating rest and the feeling of peace.

Ujjayi is a deep and potent type of breath that fires up the lungs and throat. While this may sound counterintuitive in promoting rest, one of the main purposes of Ujjayi is to relax the body. It is a long, smooth breath created by lengthening your inhale and exhale.

A longer breath signals your body to relax. Taking some time to rewind is a great way of promoting self-love.

Yoga is an excellent stress-reliever. A 2005 German study indicated that women who described themselves as “emotionally distressed” showed significant improvement in their mood and overall sense of well-being after being treated with 90 minutes of yoga per week for 3 months. Well-being scores improved by 65%, and depression and anxiety scores improved by 50% and 30% respectively. Complaints regarding back pain, poor sleep and headaches had also been resolved.

 

Yoga encourages positivity

One of the key aspects of yoga is performing mantras. Contrary to popular belief, mantras are quite simple and can help you during meditation. They’re simply words or phrases, each with different purposes, such as helping you overcome challenges and showing gratitude.

Repeating mantras is a great way to understand the power of a positive mind. When you repeat a mantra every day, you start believing that it is true. With each passing day, the mantra and your belief in it become stronger.

“I love myself. I am beautiful, intelligent and unique.”

You don’t have to limit yourself to traditional mantras. You can even create your own. A mantra (such as the one above) that holds meaning in your heart and resonates deep within you can be easily brought to life by you. You are the creator of your positivity.

 

You’re always amazed

Just a few weeks of yoga is enough to fascinate anyone. You’ll be surprised to know that it is not the yogic postures, but watching what your body is capable of that will amaze you.

With time and practice, you become capable of moving your body in ways you never even imagined. With time, you’ll be able to effortlessly stand on one foot, wrap your arms and legs into an eagle, and even balance your whole body-weight on your arms.

Whether you’re performing an advanced posture or you’re in the process of deepening one, you’ll understand that your body is strong, flexible, and incredibly beautiful.

 

You’re grateful

Even though some magazine covers may make you think otherwise, yoga is for everyone. Yoga is a beautiful journey where you can witness your body’s full potential and truly appreciate what it can do.

In most cases, people never discover their body in their optimal strength, balance, and flexibility. Yoga is an invigorating experience which can make you feel like a warrior every day. Once you discover this strength within you, it’s hard not to feel grateful for the body that gives you so much.

 

Yoga creates communities of love

Yoga retreats, classes, and online platforms bring in several like-minded people, helping in creating a strong and supportive community. Practicing Yoga is not only fun, but it is empowering.

People join yoga classes for a variety of reasons. While some join it for physical reasons such as toning up and building flexibility, others join it to relax their bodies. Whatever your reason may be, you’ll soon realize that yoga brings about another essential outcome: feeling comfortable in your skin.

Almost anyone who joins yoga wants to learn to love his or her own body. Yoga creates a space where everyone, at the same time, is thinking about their connection with their bodies.

When you join your first yoga class, be sure to introduce yourself to someone and ask them what brought them to it. Listen to their response and share your reason as well.

 

meera wattsAuthor Bio: Meera Watts is a yoga teacher, entrepreneur and mom. Her writing on yoga and holistic health has appeared in Elephant Journal, Yoganonymous, OMtimes and others. She’s also the founder and owner of Siddhi Yoga International.

Website: https://www.siddhiyoga.com/
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/user/siddhiyogaacademy
Instagram: https://instagram.com/siddhiyogainternational
Pinterest: https://pinterest.com/siddhiyogainter
Twitter: https://twitter.com/meerawatts
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/meerawatts
FB Page: https://www.facebook.com/siddhiyogateachertraining

 

References

Brown RP, Gerbarg PL. Sudarshan Kriya Yogic Breathing in the Treatment of Stress, Anxiety, and Depression: Part I — Neurophysiologic Model. J Altern Complement Med. 2005;1:189–201.

Catherine Woodyard. Int J Yoga. 2011 Jul-DecExploring the therapeutic effects of yoga and its ability to increase quality of life.

Collins C. Yoga: Intuition, preventive medicine, and treatment. J Obstet Gynecol Neonatal Nurs. 1998;27:563–8

McCall T. New York: Bantam Dell a division of Random House Inc; 2007. Yoga as Medicine.

Dealing with Dating Burnout in 5 Steps

“I’m done with dating. No, really! I don’t see the point of it anymore”

Is this something you have thought of or said aloud recently? You’re not the only one. Dating isn’t always as fun as it’s made to sound. It’s a lot of time and effort put together. You spend hours of your precious time and energy on finding someone you’re interested in. It is followed by working hard on making yourself presentable and then taking the time to get to know that person. Most of the time, if not all, it turns out to be a dead-end and with that emerges dating burnout. We sometimes get to a point in our dating lives where our mentality is all over the place and we no longer know what to do. When this happens, we might need top level advice to help us get through our slump. Rick Reynolds, founder of Reignite The Fire, aims to help people change their dating mindset and improve their luck in the dating scene. It might be a good idea to take a look at Rick’s website if you feel that you’re suffering from dating burnout.

Signs of dating burnout

1) It isn’t fun anymore. What started off as fun initially is not so anymore. The dressing up, the conversation to get to know the other or the texting that comes after the date has lost its appeal for you.

2) You have had one bad date after another in a series. Your date was obsessed with his/ her phone, had weird habits, was drunk or could not get the conversation going, whatever the reason; it just hasn’t worked out in the last few dates.

3) You have been complaining about it for a long time. Your friends, family and even your dog are tired of listening to you complain about the horrible dates you have been on. You’ve gone overboard and maybe a friend has not-so-politely cut you off letting you know you’ve been talking about hating the dating scene for a tad too long now.

4) You get sarcastic and even rude on dates. Some people love sarcasm, I get that. But do you think you are getting more defensive, sarcastic and even hostile on your dates lately?

5) Dating = exhaustion. The mere mention of dating puts you off and you feel terribly exhausted thinking about going down that road again.

If you fit the bill and are experiencing dating burnout, what should you do to get yourself back on track?

1) Take a break

This is the first thing you need to do once you realize you are experiencing dating burnout. You need to leave the scene and mix things up a bit before bouncing back. Taking a break would ensure you take the pressure off yourself. Take the time to be around people you like and enroll in that hobby class you have been thinking about. Getting off the dating cycle leaves you with plenty of time to indulge in yourself. Take advantage and have a life again. Dating comes with a lot of pressure. It’s often when the pressure is off and you’re going about your life that you find someone you’ve been looking for. Once you’ve had your break then it’s best to come back into the dating scene by trying something new. This gives new excitement to it so try something like speed dating ( get more info here) or get yourself set up on a blind date.

2) Assess what’s going wrong

Once you have taken a break from dating and are feeling good about yourself, revisit the past. Look at where you’re coming from and how it’s affecting your present. Do you harbour unresolved issues from your past relationships? Are you really ready to move on? Are you trying to find your ex in all your dates? If you think your ex may be holding you back, it’s important to close that chapter of your life before moving on.

How do your expectations from your date look like? Are you going overboard in wanting someone who’s good-looking, rich, sensitive, charming and funny all in one? Well, that might be a bit unrealistic, don’t you think? Chart it out. List down your priorities in order. Think of the bigger picture and what is it that you want at the end of the day? Too many expectations and running after an elusive perfection may spell doom for your dating life.

Do you find yourself in difficult relationships which have a common theme? Are your partners all unavailable, committed, need to be taken care of, or take undue advantage of you? If you seem to be choosing a wrong partner all the time, you need to assess what is going wrong in the dating phase itself and set it right.

How do you feel about yourself? Do you take hours getting ready for a date? Do you feel you don’t look good enough? How you feel about yourself reflects in how you present yourself and that may be a reason for dating being unsatisfying for you. You need to be confident and feel secure about yourself. When you are content being who you are, you will start attracting the right people.

3) Laugh it off

Humor helps in almost all situations. Do you think these bad dates would matter a year from now? Five years from now? I bet you’ll be sitting with the love of your life telling him/her about these misfortunate dates from your past and having a good laugh over it. Tuck it in for a funny memory down the line. Laugh it off.

4) Don’t take it out on yourself

Your last four dates didn’t work out. Big deal! Don’t fall into the trap and feel like the biggest loser on earth. You aren’t. There is nothing wrong with you and no, you aren’t doomed to be single for the rest of your life. Haven’t you heard that slow and steady wins the race? Or how about, patience is the best virtue? You’ll get there. Don’t put yourself down.

5) Don’t lose hope

Dating burnout leads to the feeling that there’s no one out there for you. Believe me, when I say, nothing could be further from the truth. Set your sights right. Get back from the dating break. The love of your life is out there and you will find him/her. Are you just looking for a bit of fun or are you looking for love?

Who knows, maybe your perfect match is just a click away?