Do you find yourself sleeping earlier than your partner to put off having sex with him/ her? Do you fake a headache or fatigue when he/she brings up sex? Do you use kids as a medium to tell him/her you can’t have sex tonight because your child is sick/ needs you?
If you answered yes to any of the questions above, no matter what excuse you tell yourself, you are losing interest in having sex with your partner. Yes, that’s right. I am not blaming or accusing you, just saying it for what it is.
Sexual appetite or libido is variable. There are times when it is shadowed by other important events in life, while at other times; it takes on an overriding importance. Hence, losing interest in sex might just be a temporary phase rather than a permanent problem. However, regardless, if your partner is up for sex when you aren’t, it could spell trouble in paradise.
What happens when you lose interest in sex?
- Your partner wonders if he/she did something to bring this on
- Your partner wonders if you are experiencing a sexual dysfunction
- Your partner wonders if there is something wrong with his/her sexual performance
What leads to a loss of desire for sex?
Let’s get this thing out of the way first. Lack of sexual desire with your partner does not always indicate a sexual dysfunction. Men and women differ in how they respond to cues. Men are more easily aroused by visual stimulus while women require emotional or environmental stimulation.
There could be a myriad number of reasons for loss of interest in sex. Here are just a few of them-
- Stress – With the stressful lives we lead, it is not uncommon to lose interest in sex. When we are worried or tired, it’s difficult to find interest in sex.
- Physical illness – Running a temperature or battling a common cold also puts one off the mood for sex. Being in pain or feeling tired reduces the enthusiasm for sex. Thyroid problems are one of the most common physical illnesses known to dull sexual desire.
- Depression – Libido or sex drive plummets with depression as a result of imbalance in brain neurochemistry. Not only that, certain antidepressant drugs also reduce sexual drive.
- Relationship issues – Lack of communication and individual differences might lead to a reduction in interest for sex.
- Having an infant – Reduces sexual drive in women. This results from a lack of energy and time as well as hormonal changes and breastfeeding related body changes.
- Pain during intercourse – is another reason for shying away from sex.
- Performance anxiety – often makes men nervous and unwilling to have sex for fear of being unable to perform.
- Drinking alcohol – heavily also reduces sex drive.
- Hormonal imbalances – lead to a reduced libido.
- Low-life satisfaction – The boredom of real life sometimes puts people off from sex.
How to renew interest in sex?
As a partner-
First step requires you to figure out the reason behind the loss of desire. Is it a physical or an emotional issue?
Is your partner undergoing depression, on any new medications, or drinking too much? Is there any physical reason for the same? Is he/ she disturbed about other aspects of the relationship?
Second step involves
- Talk to him/ her. Stay away from the bed while approaching the topic as it might make your partner uncomfortable and pressured. Ask a few basic questions to make your partner at ease. It’s important he/she doesn’t feel targeted or overwhelmed. Start by a praise. Tell him/ her you enjoy having sex with him/ her and if there is anything you can do to make it more enjoyable for him/her.
- Dig out the concerns. Ask him/her if there are any stressors that might be preventing him/her from experiencing pleasure in bed. Is there a problem with the emotional connection between you two? Are there any stressful issues?
- Give it your all. Are you focusing more on your needs than your partners’? Does your partner feel heard? Is the way you are having sex enjoyable for your partner? Encourage your partner to tell you what feels good to him/ her. Is he/ she wanting to try out something and is embarrassed to say it out loud? Is a particular sexual act making him/ her uncomfortable? Be open and accepting of his/ her reactions and feedback.
- Relaxation is the key. Sometime sex is painful for a partner or they are too tensed to enjoy it. In such situations, it’s important to help them calm down. Prepare a warm bath for him/ her. Use lubricants or try different positions to reduce the pain. Use candles and fragrances to make your partner use all of his/her senses.
- Give a compliment. For a partner who might be sensitive about his/her body, a compliment will go a long way. Tell him/ her how desirable you find him/ her. Praising him/her even outside the bedroom is helpful.
- Help your partner. If your partner seems under pressure or is doing too much, extend a helping hand. Wash those dishes, be patient enough to listen and support, walk the dog etc.
As a couple-
Spicing up the sex quotient
- Connect on an emotional level. Sit down with each other, hold hands, and talk your heart out. Touch each other often.
- Let romance lead the way. Call each other from work, go for a weekend vacation, surprise each other with gifts, and compliment more often. Go for date nights!
- Foreplay. Women need this more than men. Touch her sensually, look at her, and admire her. She will be in the mood for more once you have started it on the right note.
- Follow your orgasmic journey. It takes more for women to orgasm than men do. Explore each other’s orgasmic potentials.
- Make it fun. After a while of routine, boredom sets in. Be more playful and adventurous. Try different positions, places, and set the mood going.
- Role-play it out. Change the routine sex into something playful.
Ling, J., & Kasket, E. (2016). Let’s talk about sex: a critical narrative analysis of heterosexual couples’ accounts of low sexual desire. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 1-19.
Wincze, J. P., & Weisberg, R. B. (2015). Sexual dysfunction: A guide for assessment and treatment. New York: Guilford Publications.