Do you find yourself sleeping earlier than your partner to put off having sex with him/ her? Are situations where you fake a headache or fatigue when he/she brings up sex often? Do you use kids as a medium to tell him/her you can’t have sex tonight because your child is sick/ needs you? If you answered yes to any of the questions above, no matter what excuse you tell yourself, you are experiencing loss of interest in sex in a relationship. Yes, that’s right. I am not blaming or accusing you, just saying it for what it is.
Sexual appetite or libido is variable. There are times when it is shadowed by other important events in life, while at other times; it takes on an overriding importance. Hence, losing interest in sex might just be a temporary phase rather than a permanent problem. However, regardless, if your partner is up for sex when you aren’t, it could spell trouble in paradise.
What happens with your partner when you lose interest in sex?
Your partner wonders if…
- he/she did something to bring this on
- you are experiencing a sexual dysfunction
- there is something wrong with his/her sexual performance
What leads to a loss of desire for sex?
Let’s get this thing out of the way first. Lack of sexual desire with your partner does not always indicate a sexual dysfunction. Men and women differ in how they respond to cues. Men are more easily aroused by visual stimulus while women require emotional or environmental stimulation.
There could be a myriad number of reasons for loss of interest in sex. Here are just a few of them-
- Stress – With the stressful lives we lead, it is not uncommon to lose interest in sex. When we are worried or tired, it’s difficult to find interest in sex.
- Physical illness – Running a temperature or battling a common cold also puts one off the mood for sex. Being in pain or feeling tired reduces the enthusiasm for sex. Thyroid problems are one of the most common physical illnesses known to dull sexual desire.
- Depression – Libido or sex drive plummets with depression as a result of an imbalance in brain neurochemistry. Not only that, but certain antidepressant drugs also reduce sexual drive.
- Relationship issues – Lack of communication and individual differences might lead to a reduction in interest for sex.
- Having an infant – Reduces sexual drive in women. This results from a lack of energy and time as well as hormonal changes and breastfeeding related body changes.
- Pain during intercourse – This is another reason for shying away from sex.
- Performance anxiety – Often makes men nervous and unwilling to have sex for fear of being unable to perform.
- Drinking alcohol – heavily also reduces sex drive.
- Hormonal imbalances – Can lead to reduced libido.
- Low-life satisfaction – The boredom of real life sometimes puts people off from sex.
How to renew interest in sex as a partner?
The first step requires you to figure out the reason behind the loss of desire.
Determine if it’s a physical or an emotional issue.
Further, see if your partner is undergoing depression, on any new medications, or drinking too much. Is there any physical reason for the same? Is he/she disturbed about other aspects of the relationship?
The second step involves:
- Talk to him/ her. Stay away from the bed while approaching the topic as it might make your partner uncomfortable and pressured. Ask a few basic questions to make your partner at ease. It’s important he/she doesn’t feel targeted or overwhelmed.
- Dig out the concerns. Ask him/her if there are any stressors that might be preventing him/her from experiencing pleasure in bed. Is there a problem with the emotional connection between you two? Are there any stressful issues?
- Give your all. Are you focusing more on your needs than your partners’? Does your partner feel heard? Is the way you are having sex enjoyable for your partner? Encourage your partner to tell you what feels good to him/her. Does he/she want to try out something and is embarrassed to say it out loud? Is a particular sexual act making him/ her uncomfortable? Be open and accepting of his/ her reactions and feedback. It might also be a good idea to do some research together into what you both like, this could rekindle some passion in your sex dynamic.
- Relaxation is the key. Sometimes sex is painful for a partner or they are too tensed to enjoy it. In such situations, it’s important to help them calm down. Prepare a warm bath for him/ her. Use lubricants or try different positions to reduce pain. Use candles and fragrances to make your partner use all of his/her senses.
- Give a compliment. For a partner who might be sensitive about his/her body, a compliment will go a long way. Tell him/ her how desirable you find him/ her. Praising him/her even outside the bedroom is helpful.
- Help your partner. If your partner seems under pressure or is doing too much, extend a helping hand. Wash those dishes, be patient enough to listen and support, walk the dog etc.
How to renew interest in sex as a couple?
- Connect on an emotional level. Sit down with each other, hold hands, and talk your heart out. Touch each other often.
- Let romance lead the way. Call each other from work, go for a weekend vacation, surprise each other with gifts, and compliment more often. Go for date nights!
- Foreplay. Women need this more than men. Touch her sensually, look at her, and admire her. She will be in the mood for more once you have started it on the right note.
- Follow your orgasmic journey. It takes more for women to orgasm than men do. Explore each other’s orgasmic potentials.
- Make it fun. After a while of routine, boredom sets in. Be more playful and adventurous. Try different positions, places, and set the mood going.
- Role-play it out. Change the routine sex into something playful.
Ling, J., & Kasket, E. (2016). Let’s talk about sex: a critical narrative analysis of heterosexual couples’ accounts of low sexual desire. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 1-19.
Wincze, J. P., & Weisberg, R. B. (2015). Sexual dysfunction: A guide for assessment and treatment. New York: Guilford Publications.
Never assume exclusivity.
Assumptions are one of those thought processes that can lead to misunderstandings and miscommunication in dating and relationships. We are in the era of choices and, unless you ask, you may find that your date is also dating other people.
But how to ask such thing? Here are 3 useful tips for handling the touchy subject of “exclusivity”:
1. Know What You Want
A confident, assertive woman is feminine, and assure of what she wants in her personal life as well as her professional life. If you’ve checked off all the “green flags” you want in your date, and you think he is worth getting to know better, then that will lead you to tip number 2.
2. Bring up the conversation of exclusivity
Express to him how you feel about him, and explore with open-ended questions how he feels about you. If you are finding that he’s closed off and avoids the conversation, then that may be a hint he’s not ready to commit to only you.
3. Make a Decision
After you’ve talked about exclusivity, shared your desires, and listened to his responses, it’s time for your conclusions about it. Make your own calculated decision about whether this guy is worth seeing more of. Don’t hang around if you aren’t aligned, and pay attention to those “signs” you feel on the inside. A women’s intuition is strong and, usually, right. Trust yourself! The right time to bring up the subject is when you, the confident, assertive woman, knows he’s worth keeping around. If you are feeling good about the way he treats you, and the way you treat him, then go for it!
It’s too late when you assume you’re exclusive and find out he’s also dating other people. Feelings of betrayal hurt, but can be avoided with open communication!
What makes a great relationship? That’s the question many try to find the answer for, and there are numerous different answers to it. Yet, all these answers narrow down to just s few basic things, one of them being “feeling appreciated”. Dr. Gottman suggests that the happiest couples are the ones that share at least five positive things with their partner with every negative one. We talked about the 5:1 rule it in our article “Why Being Kind is Important”, so take a look.
However, here is one interesting founding about relationships. The NMP study recently indicated that sex in a relationship is even more important than being kind to your partner. That, of course, doesn’t make kindness any less important for a good relationship. But these results emphasize how important sex in a relationship is for being happy and staying together, which many couples seem to forget.
Sex and feeling of appreciation are inevitably connected for both partners, especially for women. Thus, what happens outside of bedroom affects the things bedroom on a large scale. So, here is a suggestion: why don’t you tell your partner some kind words, including how sexy they are to you? Try to keep doing it for a couple of days and see what happens.
If you want to read more about the importance of kindness and sex in a relationship, here’s a nice article: “Be Kind And Have Sex ‘Till Death Do You Part”. Enjoy!
Countless couples complain about losing the spark in their relationship. There is no excitement anymore, butterflies are gone, and they’re just stuck in a rut that they don’t know how to get out from. Some of my clients are reporting they are becoming frustrated with their long-term partners, experience emotional distance, and problems in the bedroom. In situations like these, feeling of hopelessness, fear and boredom are completely normal. Not being able to answer where the spark has gone, why that happened, and will it ever come back is frustrating and confusing.
What is the SPARK and How to Keep It Alive?
First of all, to answer some of the above-mentioned questions, we need to define the SPARK.
“THE SPARK is the natural chemistry between two people creating desire, admiration, cooperation & respect. It’s maintained naturally between two people who resonate emotionally, mentally, physically & spiritually.”
Be careful though – the spark differs from lust in many ways. Simply put, lust gives you physical attraction and desire, but this is a just a small component of the spark.
But what to do when you find it hard to understand each other? What to do when you feel like you’re not emotionally compatible, and your bedroom is slowly dying? Well, fortunately, there is a solution. After numerous studies, scientists have found three main weapons that keep the spark alive and a long-term relationship successful.
1. Effective Communication
Talk to your partner! We all know that communication is a vital part of every relationship, but did you know that it also highly correlates with passion? Couples who find a way to communicate successfully and to understand each other without judging are more likely to sustain passion in their relationship. This happens because couples who have good strategies for communicating can openly discuss their sex life and their likes and dislikes in the bedroom, which leads to more freedom in exploring and fulfilling each other’s desires.
Research has shown that mindfulness is highly connected to relationship intimacy. In other words, couples who are constantly mindful about their relationship experience greater sexual desire toward each other. Being mindful about the relationship means setting aside time to spend some quality time with your partner and trying to constantly pay attention to partner’s emotional needs. Try it for a while and see how the spark slowly shows up again between you two.
Make your friendship a priority. When the life gets in the way it’s easy to forget all the good things you love doing together. Engage in the activities you both enjoy, laugh together and have fun. Remember that you’re friends in the first place, so appreciate the honest friendship within your relationship.
Every relationship takes work. However, it doesn’t have to be a hard work; just willingness to improve yourself and then your relationship can do wonders. Remeber, oftentimes the spark is not lost; it’s just hidden behind all the hustle and bustle you’re facing every day. It takes just a little attention and it will shine again.
We all dream about the perfect love that will last for years. Having someone who will love and support us no matter what, someone who’ll be there for us and who we will passionately love. At one point in life or another, almost all of us want a successful long-term relationship or marriage. Some people are lucky enough to have it. But, is it just luck?
How to Make Your Long-term Relationship Successful?
Studies show that people in happy long-term relationships have specific behaviors they apply in their relationship. A good relationship or marriage needs work; it doesn’t just happen by itself, as sometimes can look. John M. Grohol, Psy.D. wrote a fantastic article: “5 Secrets to a Successful Long-Term Relationship or Marriage”. He shares 5 things people in happy relationships do that keeps their relationship stay that way in the long run:
- Choose Your battles carefully
- Don’t hide Your needs
- Don’t underestimate the importance of trust and honesty
You can read the whole article here: http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/5-secrets-to-a-successful-long-term-relationship-or-marriage/
Research on what makes a marriage work shows that people in a good marriage have completed these psychological “tasks”:
1. Emotional Independence from Primary Family
Separated emotionally from the family you grew up in; not to the point of estrangement, but enough so that your identity is separate from that of your parents and siblings.
2. “Together” Space and “Me” Space
Build togetherness based on a shared intimacy and identity, while at the same time set boundaries to protect each partner’s autonomy.
Establish a rich and pleasurable sexual relationship. Work together to protect it from the intrusions of the workplace and family obligations.
4. Staying a Happy Couple With Children
For couples with children, embrace your roles as parents and absorb the impact of a baby’s entrance into the marriage. Learn to continue the work of protecting the privacy of you and your spouse as a couple.
5. Together Through the Good and Through the Bad
Confront and master the inevitable crises of life together. Learn to cooperate when times are hard instead of blaming each other.
6. Your Marriage is Your Safe Place
Maintain the strength of the marital bond in the face of adversity. The marriage should be a safe haven in which partners are able to express their differences, anger, and conflict.
Use humor and laughter to keep things in perspective and to avoid boredom and isolation.
Nurture and comfort each other, satisfying each partner’s needs for dependency and offering continuing encouragement and support.
9. Keep the Spark
Keep alive the early romantic, idealized images of falling in love, while facing the sober realities of the changes wrought by time.
I’m eager to share a link by Brendon Burchard, who is one of the leading speakers and experts in personal development and motivation. In his video, titled “How To Improve Your Relationship”, he discusses a few great points, which I’ll outline below.
One of the first key points he makes is that it’s easy for people to fall in love, but very quickly, they lose the intention of working together in the same pure way which drove the couple together in the first place.
To help us, he identifies 3 intentions we can make on a regular basis:
We are social creatures! Life is so full of distractions. We have conditioned ourselves to habitually disregard those around us. We are engaged with our phones, iPads, and everything else around us that so few of us have real connections.
One of the most heartfelt ways of giving attention is to be fully present. Give that person you’re with your full attention. Lock your phone away and Make eye contact.
As he says, take a few hours and learn to be human again!
“You have to have the intention to give extraordinary amounts of attention.”
2) Give more appreciation
Learn to make your partner feel appreciated. Giving compliments and practicing gratitude are great habits for relationships. Appreciating the things they do, as well as the things they don’t do. Unconditionally appreciating the person you’re with rather than showing appreciation with gifts.
“The magical part of a relationship is having someone you can pitch and catch with.”
Show more attention and appreciation to that person you’re with. It’s a give-and-take. As you both start to turn towards each other (phrased from Dr. Gottman), you’ll work together as a team, and feel more magic in your relationship.
As a bonus, here is an awesome video about how to improve your relationship: