Do you find yourself sleeping earlier than your partner to put off having sex with him/ her? Are situations where you fake a headache or fatigue when he/she brings up sex often? Do you use kids as a medium to tell him/her you can’t have sex tonight because your child is sick/ needs you? If you answered yes to any of the questions above, no matter what excuse you tell yourself, you are experiencing loss of interest in sex in a relationship. Yes, that’s right. I am not blaming or accusing you, just saying it for what it is.
Sexual appetite or libido is variable. There are times when it is shadowed by other important events in life, while at other times; it takes on an overriding importance. Hence, losing interest in sex might just be a temporary phase rather than a permanent problem. However, regardless, if your partner is up for sex when you aren’t, it could spell trouble in paradise.
What happens with your partner when you lose interest in sex?
Your partner wonders if…
- he/she did something to bring this on
- you are experiencing a sexual dysfunction
- there is something wrong with his/her sexual performance
What leads to a loss of desire for sex?
Let’s get this thing out of the way first. Lack of sexual desire with your partner does not always indicate a sexual dysfunction. Men and women differ in how they respond to cues. Men are more easily aroused by visual stimulus while women require emotional or environmental stimulation.
There could be a myriad number of reasons for loss of interest in sex. Here are just a few of them-
- Stress – With the stressful lives we lead, it is not uncommon to lose interest in sex. When we are worried or tired, it’s difficult to find interest in sex.
- Physical illness – Running a temperature or battling a common cold also puts one off the mood for sex. Being in pain or feeling tired reduces the enthusiasm for sex. Thyroid problems are one of the most common physical illnesses known to dull sexual desire.
- Depression – Libido or sex drive plummets with depression as a result of an imbalance in brain neurochemistry. Not only that, but certain antidepressant drugs also reduce sexual drive.
- Relationship issues – Lack of communication and individual differences might lead to a reduction in interest for sex.
- Having an infant – Reduces sexual drive in women. This results from a lack of energy and time as well as hormonal changes and breastfeeding related body changes.
- Pain during intercourse – This is another reason for shying away from sex.
- Performance anxiety – Often makes men nervous and unwilling to have sex for fear of being unable to perform.
- Drinking alcohol – heavily also reduces sex drive.
- Hormonal imbalances – Can lead to reduced libido.
- Low-life satisfaction – The boredom of real life sometimes puts people off from sex.
How to renew interest in sex as a partner?
The first step requires you to figure out the reason behind the loss of desire.
Determine if it’s a physical or an emotional issue.
Further, see if your partner is undergoing depression, on any new medications, or drinking too much. Is there any physical reason for the same? Is he/she disturbed about other aspects of the relationship?
The second step involves:
- Talk to him/ her. Stay away from the bed while approaching the topic as it might make your partner uncomfortable and pressured. Ask a few basic questions to make your partner at ease. It’s important he/she doesn’t feel targeted or overwhelmed.
- Dig out the concerns. Ask him/her if there are any stressors that might be preventing him/her from experiencing pleasure in bed. Is there a problem with the emotional connection between you two? Are there any stressful issues?
- Give your all. Are you focusing more on your needs than your partners’? Does your partner feel heard? Is the way you are having sex enjoyable for your partner? Encourage your partner to tell you what feels good to him/her. Does he/she want to try out something and is embarrassed to say it out loud? Is a particular sexual act making him/ her uncomfortable? Be open and accepting of his/ her reactions and feedback. It might also be a good idea to do some research together into what you both like, this could rekindle some passion in your sex dynamic.
- Relaxation is the key. Sometimes sex is painful for a partner or they are too tensed to enjoy it. In such situations, it’s important to help them calm down. Prepare a warm bath for him/ her. Use lubricants or try different positions to reduce pain. Use candles and fragrances to make your partner use all of his/her senses.
- Give a compliment. For a partner who might be sensitive about his/her body, a compliment will go a long way. Tell him/ her how desirable you find him/ her. Praising him/her even outside the bedroom is helpful.
- Help your partner. If your partner seems under pressure or is doing too much, extend a helping hand. Wash those dishes, be patient enough to listen and support, walk the dog etc.
How to renew interest in sex as a couple?
- Connect on an emotional level. Sit down with each other, hold hands, and talk your heart out. Touch each other often.
- Let romance lead the way. Call each other from work, go for a weekend vacation, surprise each other with gifts, and compliment more often. Go for date nights!
- Foreplay. Women need this more than men. Touch her sensually, look at her, and admire her. She will be in the mood for more once you have started it on the right note.
- Follow your orgasmic journey. It takes more for women to orgasm than men do. Explore each other’s orgasmic potentials.
- Make it fun. After a while of routine, boredom sets in. Be more playful and adventurous. Try different positions, places, and set the mood going.
- Role-play it out. Change the routine sex into something playful.
Ling, J., & Kasket, E. (2016). Let’s talk about sex: a critical narrative analysis of heterosexual couples’ accounts of low sexual desire. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 1-19.
Wincze, J. P., & Weisberg, R. B. (2015). Sexual dysfunction: A guide for assessment and treatment. New York: Guilford Publications.
Finding the person for you can turn out to be pretty frustrating. But it doesn’t necessarily have to be. If you are single and looking for a long-term relationship or marriage but are having trouble finding a partner or spouse, here are some suggestions for you – and they don’t involve an Internet site.
Specify What Kind of Person You’re Looking For
What qualities do you value in a mate, and how do you judge whether a person has those qualities?
Do you have a clear picture of what your relationship with your partner will be like, including how you will treat each other, how you will deal with conflict, what your social life will look like? You see, the clearer your values are and the clearer your picture of the kind of person you are looking for, the likelier it is that you will end up with what you want.
Are You Allowing Yourself to Be Happy?
Do you have issues with your family of origin or other relationships that might prevent you from enjoying this kind of happiness? Would some counseling or group support help eliminate these obstacles?
Are You the Right Person for What You’re Searching For?
Finally, do you live in a way that is consistent with what you want in a relationship? Because in the end, it is far more important to be the right person than it is to find the right person.
You can’t attract anyone who is better or more successful or kinder than you are comfortable with, or believe in your heart of hearts you deserve. If you work on your mental pictures and your growth as an individual first, you will recognize and be ready for the right person when that person comes along.
What makes a great relationship? That’s the question many try to find the answer for, and there are numerous different answers to it. Yet, all these answers narrow down to just s few basic things, one of them being “feeling appreciated”. Dr. Gottman suggests that the happiest couples are the ones that share at least five positive things with their partner with every negative one. We talked about the 5:1 rule it in our article “Why Being Kind is Important”, so take a look.
However, here is one interesting founding about relationships. The NMP study recently indicated that sex in a relationship is even more important than being kind to your partner. That, of course, doesn’t make kindness any less important for a good relationship. But these results emphasize how important sex in a relationship is for being happy and staying together, which many couples seem to forget.
Sex and feeling of appreciation are inevitably connected for both partners, especially for women. Thus, what happens outside of bedroom affects the things bedroom on a large scale. So, here is a suggestion: why don’t you tell your partner some kind words, including how sexy they are to you? Try to keep doing it for a couple of days and see what happens.
If you want to read more about the importance of kindness and sex in a relationship, here’s a nice article: “Be Kind And Have Sex ‘Till Death Do You Part”. Enjoy!
What does this Valentine’s Day mean to you? Set the commercial aspect aside, will you focus on one area of your romantic relationship this February? Take 10 minutes and brainstorm new ways you can connect with your partner; either surprise them with these actions or communicate your ideas.
If you are waiting to still meet your special Valentine focus on what you can do for yourself, reward yourself with something you enjoy. Or, maybe you want to practice your art of flirting.
Are you sure you know what flirting actually is and how to recognize someone is flirting with you?
How to Recognize Flirting?
In western culture, explicitly expressing sexual interest in someone is considered inappropriate and unacceptable. But that’s why we have flirting as an appropriate tool to express we’re interested in someone. Flirting is a good way to show someone we see them as a potential sexual and romantic partner. Also, flirting is fun, and if done playfully, without any greater intentions, it often feels very good and boosts your confidence. But how to recognize if someone is flirting with you?
Firstly and most importantly, pay attention to the body language. If someone is trying to get closer to you physically or touching you often, it might be the sign of flirting. Also, if someone is drawing attention to some parts of their body they find attractive, it can also mean they’re flirting with you. However, it is easy to misinterpret the signs of flirting. Thus, be careful to not exaggerate the situation and to overinterpret other person’s behavior, as that can lead to misunderstandings and awkward situation.
It sounds complicated, but it’s actually not. AskMen.com published 10 signs she’s flirting with you, so that can help you recognize if she is interested in you. She…
- keeps walking by
- draws attention to her mouth
- isolates herself
- mimics your body movements
- touches you
- makes eye contact
- renters your personal space
- approaches you to talk
- plays with her hair
In person, body language, eye contact, text messages, Facebook, kind words, pictures, gestures, smiles, laughs and tickles… how are you showing love this February?