accepting influence

Accepting Influence

Dr. John Gottman and his team came to an interesting conclusion when it comes to husbands’ behavior in the relationship. They shared that relationships are much more successful when men allow themselves to be influenced by their partner. Accepting influence is important for women too, but the research has shown that the majority of women already do this.

Why is Accepting Influence So Important for a Happy Relationship?

When you allow influence by your partner, you have to let go of avoidant strategies, such as attacking or defensiveness. Accepting influence means that you’re acknowledging your partner’s needs and showing them they’re important to you. You’re shifting from “me” to “we” position. This is especially true for men, as they find accepting influence a more difficult task compared to women. Allowing themselves to accept influence by their partner moves their relationship forward towards greater satisfaction. At the same time, they’re becoming more mature and secure in the process.

Here is the part of their article that gives some insight into how to make your relationship more successful:

“Our research shows that the more open you are to accepting influence from your partner, the stronger the positive perspective, mutual respect, and trust will be in your relationship. Having these components in your relationship helps you and your partner to face the world together. As a couple, you’ll gain confidence that comes from being supported and feeling that you are a part of a team.”


Read the whole article here:


turn towards your partner

The Power of Turning…

Maybe you heard the rumor that almost 50% of marriages end up in divorce. What if we tell you that there is scientifically proven method to significantly increase your odds of staying happily married and decrease the odds that you’ll get divorced? Dr. John Gottman with his team found that the secret ingredient for a long-term, happy marriage is to turn towards your partner.

Turn Towards Your Partner for Long-Lasting, Happy Marriage

First of all, what it even means to “turn toward” your partner? It means accepting your partner’s bids instead of ignoring them. A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. Bids show up in simple ways, a smile or wink, and more complex ways, like a request for advice or help (read more here: Turn Towards Instead of Away). Dr. Gottman puts it nicely:

“Going to someone for comfort is a Bid for Connection. Turning Towards is any form of communication both verbal and non-verbal which communicates that I hear you or see that you are making a Bid to Connect, and I am Turning Towards you to connect.”

Now, dr. Gottman and his team found that couples who were divorced 6 years after their wedding turned toward each other only 33% of the time; the ones still together after six years had an 86% turning-toward rate (The Science of Trust, Dr. John Gottman). This is truly one incredible piece of data. It tells us that recognizing your partner’s “bids” for attention and responding to them in a right way instead of ignoring them is probably the most important thing for a happy long-term relationship and marriage.

It is easy to get caught up in other things. However, make an effort to turn towards your partner and your relationship will thank you.