Never assume exclusivity.
Assumptions are one of those thought processes that can lead to misunderstandings and miscommunication in dating and relationships. We are in the era of choices and, unless you ask, you may find that your date is also dating other people.
But how to ask such thing? Here are 3 useful tips for handling the touchy subject of “exclusivity”:
1. Know What You Want
A confident, assertive woman is feminine, and assure of what she wants in her personal life as well as her professional life. If you’ve checked off all the “green flags” you want in your date, and you think he is worth getting to know better, then that will lead you to tip number 2.
2. Bring up the conversation of exclusivity
Express to him how you feel about him, and explore with open-ended questions how he feels about you. If you are finding that he’s closed off and avoids the conversation, then that may be a hint he’s not ready to commit to only you.
3. Make a Decision
After you’ve talked about exclusivity, shared your desires, and listened to his responses, it’s time for your conclusions about it. Make your own calculated decision about whether this guy is worth seeing more of. Don’t hang around if you aren’t aligned, and pay attention to those “signs” you feel on the inside. A women’s intuition is strong and, usually, right. Trust yourself! The right time to bring up the subject is when you, the confident, assertive woman, knows he’s worth keeping around. If you are feeling good about the way he treats you, and the way you treat him, then go for it!
It’s too late when you assume you’re exclusive and find out he’s also dating other people. Feelings of betrayal hurt, but can be avoided with open communication!
Finding the person for you can turn out to be pretty frustrating. But it doesn’t necessarily have to be. If you are single and looking for a long-term relationship or marriage but are having trouble finding a partner or spouse, here are some suggestions for you – and they don’t involve an Internet site.
Specify What Kind of Person You’re Looking For
What qualities do you value in a mate, and how do you judge whether a person has those qualities?
Do you have a clear picture of what your relationship with your partner will be like, including how you will treat each other, how you will deal with conflict, what your social life will look like? You see, the clearer your values are and the clearer your picture of the kind of person you are looking for, the likelier it is that you will end up with what you want.
Are You Allowing Yourself to Be Happy?
Do you have issues with your family of origin or other relationships that might prevent you from enjoying this kind of happiness? Would some counseling or group support help eliminate these obstacles?
Are You the Right Person for What You’re Searching For?
Finally, do you live in a way that is consistent with what you want in a relationship? Because in the end, it is far more important to be the right person than it is to find the right person.
You can’t attract anyone who is better or more successful or kinder than you are comfortable with, or believe in your heart of hearts you deserve. If you work on your mental pictures and your growth as an individual first, you will recognize and be ready for the right person when that person comes along.
We all have a picture of what our ideal mate will be like. Tall, dark, and handsome; creative, sensitive, and smart — these qualities often become part of a mental checklist we use, consciously or not, on every new man we date. Eventually, our checklist becomes really specific. We create an idea of what we want and assume that it’s only a matter of time before he comes along, right? Wrong!
Throw Away a Checklist for Love and Focus on Every Person Individually
Having a checklist for love may actually prevent you from finding it. Even though it seems like a smart way to find what you’re looking for, that mental list can cause you to miss opportunities that are right in front of you. So resist the temptation to put more energy into your expectations and open yourself up to the possibilities life presents you instead.
Getting rid of specific expectations will help you see the person in front of you much better. Of course, having some standards is good for you; it’s healthy and shows your self-respect. It shows you know yourself and know what you want. However, if your standards are too specific, you’re missing opportunities that could, otherwise, make you happy. You’re missing on actually finding what you’re looking for in the first place.
Rather than focusing on external qualities, such as appearance, hobbies, or professional success, think about internal characteristics. What makes this person in front of you unique? What are his qualities? Ultimately what makes for a happy couple is two people who want the same things. Finding happiness in a shared life boils down to having common values; not that he likes to mountain climb, is 6’2″, and comes from a good family! All that is just the icing on the cake. The cake itself may be someone you never expected.
Since you’re here, check our article “Finding the Person for You“; it might help you on your quest to finding the one.
Are you willing to take risks in life or you rather prefer to play safe? Your preference might have an effect on when you’ll decide to get married.
The Role of Risking in Life and Marriage
Spivey’s interesting study shows that people who prefer not to take risks in life often decide to marry sooner.
- “Finding an ‘‘acceptable’’ mate is easier than ﬁnding the ‘‘perfect’’ mate. The risk-averse searcher may be willing to accept one of the ﬁrst options that comes along. That’s because waiting for a potentially better option is not worth the uncertainty” (p.501).
- “For example, if both spouses work and one faces an unemployment spell, one income remains to support the couple in the interim. The shorter the time to marriage, the sooner the risk-averse individual can insure themselves against exogenous income shocks. However, the higher the quality (a function of income) of a potential spouse, the greater the insurance provided against exogenous income shocks” (p. 502).
- “Risk aversion should also have some bearing on whom an individual marries, not only when they marry” (p. 511).
- “…Search theory predicts that the more risk-averse will marry the more risk-averse at an earlier age, while the risk-lovers will be more likely to marry each other later in life” (p. 514).
How Do Women See Riskiness in Men?
- “Wilke et al. (2006) ﬁnd that women’s perceived riskiness of activities in various domains is negatively correlated with the attractiveness of men participating in them” (p. 513).
- “Extremely intelligent and successful women may have a harder time ﬁnding partners because ‘‘men want somebody intelligent enough so that they can recognize the man’s brilliance, but not necessarily enough to challenge them—or so smart that they ﬁnd someone else more interesting’’ (Klein 2006, 60). This could be related to why very risk-averse men in the current study marry women with the lower quality compared to more risk-loving men, who may be willing to take a chance with the intelligent women” (p. 513).
Spivey, C. (2010). Desperation or Desire? The Role of Risk Aversion in Marriage. Economic Inquiry, 48(2), 499-516.