Yesterday marked my first day exploring downtown Vancouver. I decided that with the sun shining, I would take the opportunity and sit by the beach. So I found myself a rock and curled up with the view of the ocean and the mountains in the distance.
There was a man next to me, probably in his mid-20’s, relaxing and sunbathing. As I fell into a blissful feeling, enjoying the warmth on my face as I read my book, I noticed the guy beside me was swimming! As a note, although I’m in Vancouver now, it is still only the 7th of April.
Before I decided to leave, I decided I would initiate a few words with him. So, I asked:
Me: “How cold was the water?”
Him: “It was really cold. But, if you tell yourself it’s really cold you’ll never get in. I come down to the beach every day in the summer. I live close to here. I’ve been wanting to come swimming all week, but today was finally warm enough. Cold is relative.”
What impressed me the most was his choice of words. It was obvious to me that:
- if you want something bad enough you’ll do it
- if you keep a positive perspective you’ll face adversity
- your words affect your actions
- what is okay for me, may not be okay for you. But if it aligns with your values, goals, and desires, you’re being authentic.
Although there was a bit more to our conversation, this was the gist of it.
So here is your tip:
I think we can all take a piece of his perspective and try to use it more in our daily lives.
Have you caught yourself reframing your self-talk or your words? How has it helped you? What helped you change your perspective? Share it down below in the comments!
Aaron Beck is an American Psychiatrist and professor emeritus in the department of psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania. In the field of psychology, Aaron Beck is known as one of the pioneers of cognitive therapy – you can call him the Father of Cognitive Psychology.
I’m reading Aaron Beck’s 1988 published book: “Love Is Never Enough – How couples can overcome misunderstandings, resolve conflicts, and solve relationship problems through cognitive therapy.” Here are my thoughts on it.
A Short Review of “Love Is Never Enough” by Aaron Beck
Aaron begins his book describing the Power of Negative Thinking. The way we think about people, situations, ourselves, so powerfully influences our moods and the way we interact with others. Throughout Chapter 1 he gives great examples identifying different “thinking trap” conversations we have with ourselves. These patterns of thoughts can hinder what we feel for our partners. What stands out for me the most is Chapter 4, where he gives examples describing the tyranny of the Shoulds that we place on our partner’s behaviors.
One of the main challenges in a romantic relationship (or marriage) are the unwritten rules/expectations that each spouse has for the other. For example, these rules include how to give and receive love, how much time to spend with friends, how to raise children, how much time to spend with the in-laws on vacation and any other number of things. These unspoken expectations create havoc in a relationship precisely because they go unspoken. Furthermore, they lead to criticisms about the other person that are general rather than specific.
Without proper training, it’s usually difficult for the couple to discuss these expectations aloud for two reasons. One – they are unaware (only semi-conscious) of these expectations in the first place. Two – they are usually too wrapped up in conflict to properly examine these automatic thoughts, let alone express them properly. Usually, these expectations become evoked as the couple grows closer and more intimate. Usually.
Overall, “Love Is Never Enough” by Aaron Beck is great. I am more than happy with the content of the book. It brings enlightenment to the power of our thoughts, and how to work through changing your own cognitive distortions.
Have you grown up with certain beliefs about the world? You know how life works, what is possible and what’s not, what you can expect and what you can only dream about. Hence, you think you have a clear picture of the reality, right? Well, think again. Maybe the world is not exactly how you look at it right now; maybe if you change your perspective, you’ll find out that what you believed as a definite truth is actually a lie. We lived our whole life with a certain set of rules and a certain set of beliefs. However, some of these beliefs are not helping us grow. Additionally, they are simply wrong. These are called Negative Beliefs, and they can stand in your way to be happy.
Psychology Tomorrow Magazine posted a great blog about Negative Beliefs. Read it here.
Snigdha Gharami gives some good examples of negative beliefs and how they are wrong. For instance, the idea of “never changing” in life is a false belief- some people have a habit of not accepting changes, but changes are actually good for us. Or, here is another example – some people believe admiring something (even something good) will create a lack of self-control. However, it is also false, because you cannot lose your value by admiring something good. There are other good examples in the article, so take a look; maybe you find yourself in it, and challenge some of your beliefs.
In the end, she wraps it all up well: “It is you who makes and breaks these patterns. Take a chance, live life your way because you only have one- this opportunity and this day will never come back.”
Embrace change, take a chance and live big!