5 Lessons On Long-Distance Love And Relationships
When I talk about a long-distance relationship I’m referring to any romantic relationship where there is a great deal of geographical distance between you and your significant other. Here are my 5 tips for those of you who are in a long-distance relationship now or pondering whether or not to keep one going.
Lesson 1: See It as an Opportunity
How your mindset is as you enter into a long-distance relationship will play into how you either keep the relationship strong or drive it apart. If you see the chance as an opportunity to keep in touch with someone who means a lot to you, then you’ll do what you can to keep the relationship blooming. Use the opportunity as a way to learn more about each other and build a solid foundation for the rest of your relationship. Dr’s Julie and John Gottman from the Gottman Institute talk about building a Sound Relationship House in your relationship. And the platform for success is having a solid foundation – this means having a solid marital friendship, the common courtesy, and affection that is the basis for all subsequent interaction.
Lesson 2: Set Some Ground Rules to Manage Expectations in Your Long-Distance Relationship
Usually, when conflicts happen it was because of either: a miscommunication on an issue, or the assumption that your partner was doing something and you thought otherwise. Taking some time and communicating face to face (if possible – can also be done through Skype) about how you both see and envision the relationship will avoid some headache later on. Asking assertively questions like: Are you two exclusive? Is it alright for the other person to go on dates? What is your commitment level? It’s better to be open with each other about all these things.
Lesson 3: Don’t Over-Talk But Connect Meaningfully
Usually, when there’s a great amount of distance between you and your partner, someone in the relationship wants to talk more frequently. Have you ever done the 5 Love Languages quiz? As you complete it you’ll discover that you may, or may not communicate love differently. Do you prefer to express your words? Does spending quality time mean more to you? Once you know your needs more clearly you’ll be able to make your communication time more meaningful because you can express what you need and try to address what your partner needs more clearly.
Lesson 4: Flirt!
Flirt with each other! Although you’re not able to touch each other physically, keep the flames hot and burning by having playful conversations, complimenting each other, and putting some fun into your conversations.
Lesson 5: Have A Goal
Ask yourselves some of these questions: “What do we want to achieve at the end of the day?” , “How long are we going to be apart?”, “What about the future?” These are the questions you two need to ask yourselves. I’ve often seen long-distance relationships go on for longer than they were meant to, where one partner was comfortable with the lack of “real” relationship, but the other wanted something more meaningful. The truth is, no couple can be in a long-distance relationship forever. Eventually, you may want to settle down. If you struggle to cope with the long-distance, consider attending relationship counselling to find ways of dealing with this.
If you can make a plan with each other, give it a try. Consider doing a timeline, making goals with end dates will help ensure everyone follows through on what they said they were going to do… which is coming together.
Long-distance relationships aren’t easy. They take a lot of trust and communication. But many times, long-distance love is worth it.
My Thoughts On Reporter Kissed by Stranger On Camera at Squamish Music Festival
This past weekend was the Squamish Music Festival, where over 200,000 people join to celebrate summer, enjoy good music, and have fun with friends.
A female reporter from CBC News was doing a live report when a man came up behind her and kissed her on the cheek. Since then, she has filed a complaint with the RCMP sharing she was “rattled” by the unexpected behavior and felt like the man was interfering with her ability to do her job.
I have tried to put myself in the reporter’s shoes and think about both sides. I thought about the message that she sends with her actions. If she had left the incident alone and let the kiss slide, what message does it send compared to filing a complaint to speak her discontent?
My Thoughts About the Incident
Overall, I look at it from the perspective of women’s rights. Although there may not have been any “sexual intent” behind the kiss, if you let it slide, what message does it send? Does it let society know that it’s okay to touch women without their permission? By not expressing her discontent, I feel it sends the message “yes”.
What do you think? Do you think it’s part of the “risk” of doing her job?
Leave your comments below!
Thoughts from Tim Ferris: “How to Cure Anxiety, One Workaholic’s Story, Six Techniques That Work”
I came across Tim Ferris @tferriss a few years ago when I read “The Four Hour Work Week”. For any of you who haven’t read it, I’d highly suggest it. By far one of the most inspiring books out there to help you automate your life and live the “new rich” way.
I follow Ferris on various social media outlets, and I am a huge fan of the Tim Ferris Podcasts. In his podcast series, he interviews world-class performers from eclectic areas such as investing, sports, business, and the arts to extract tactics, tools, and routines that you can use to enhance your own life. I find his podcasts to be incredibly entertaining as each episode is filled with useful tips and tricks. I am also an avid reader of his blog and paid particular attention to his blog post this morning, “How to Cure Anxiety – One Workaholic’s Story, Six Techniques That Work”.
Rather than trying to paraphrase his whole article, I’ll let you read through it here: http://fourhourworkweek.com/2014/02/19/anxiety-attacks-2/
My Short Review of Ferris’s Article
My thoughts as a Registered Clinical Counsellor are that a lot of his suggestions sound appropriate. Evidence-based therapies such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) suggest that this type of therapy gives you a new way of understanding and thinking about your problem. It also provides you with the skills to deal with the issues that you are struggling with right now. However, it’s also nice to practise more mindfulness, to help you “get out of your head” and enjoy more of the here and now.
While reading through Ferris’ list, my favorite is his first suggestion is this:
Enjoy Guilt-Free Play with Friends.
Overall, it’s important to find and learn techniques that work for you. Stick with them! It takes patience, practice, and positive attitudes.
Are You A Perfectionist? You Might Be Interfering With Your Success!
Are you the type of person who needs to do everything in a particular way? Or perhaps things need to be “just so”. It can be tough to let it go and let things just be but maybe it’s time to give it a try! New research published by the Society for Personality and Social Psychology shares that perfectionism may lead to stress, burnout, and potential health problems. The researchers took a look at the results of 43 studies, over the past 20 years, and found that concerns about perfectionism can sabotage success at work, school, or on the playing field.
When we think about it, those with perfectionism tendencies have a hard time accepting flaws. They can be hard on themselves, as well as others, because everything needs to be perfect. If you’re never pleased with your work, then things will never be good enough for you. It will be very difficult to stop working because you’ll always wish to make things better.
To work on reducing perfectionist tendencies, try setting realistic goals. Also, accept failures or less than perfect standards as learning opportunities that help you improve for the future. Most importantly, forgive yourself when you fail, and reframe failure as a growth opportunity, rather than defeat.
Repost: Chasing the Cheat’a by Solomon E. Stretch
I was browsing through my Instagram feed tonight when I came across the profile of one of my colleagues in Atlanta, Georgia. One of his blog posts about self-love caught my eye, because many of the clients I’ve worked with have had similar issues.
Rather than trying to rephrase his posting, I’ll quote it for you. He says it best.
Chasing the Cheat’a
May 23, 2015
Solomon E. Stretch
I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a while now and I just hadn’t been inspired, until one of my beautiful friends posted this quote to her Instagram feed. “Don’t let the mixed signals fool you. Indecision is a decision”.
Why do we play the fool? Apparently, everybody does it.
Why do we choose to waste our time on people who don’t choose us?
Now that’s a question for you! Seriously?! I bet it’s a pride thing, something that Freud would say stems back to our dismissive caregivers. I’m sure there was something lacking that our parents OR our first love (boyfriend, girlfriend, crush, or someone we casually stalked and never caught a charge for) didn’t give us. But us being prideful humans are determined to make that void whole- even if it kills us.
3 C’s of Your Addiction:
Control: Trying to make someone love you
Compulsion: Having the need to do all the things you said you weren’t going to do. Yup, you compromised who you are
Consequence: hurt feelings, wasted time, and you just might look like an ass
Self-love is so important. Clearly understanding your values, what’s important to you, and being confident with your own boundaries will help you create healthy relationships in your life. Be patient with yourself. If you don’t have all these yet, slowly work towards improvement little by little. Surround yourself with a supportive and empowering circle of people. If you don’t have many of those around, consider professional help.
Give yourself some love. It’s one of the most important things you will do in your life.
6 Reasons Why You Need To Schedule A Date With Yourself Now
Finding time for yourself is essential for a happy life. Yes, it is important to be ambitious, but so is finding time for family and friends and helping others out. However, it’s necessary to take a break and give yourself some love from time to time. This way, you will have enough resources for everything else that you may strive to achieve. Look at that as a time to refill and charge your batteries. You can’t use your phone when its battery is empty, right? It’s the same with yourself. You can indulge in your favourite activities to relax, be it taking a spa break, going on a vacation, or just seeing a few friends on the weekend. There are unlimited options that you can explore. So, here are 6 reasons why you should schedule time for yourself now:
1. You Love You!
If you’ve ever flown in an airplane, you know that before take-off during the safety demonstration the Flight Attendants remind you to put your oxygen mask on first, before helping the person next to you. The same goes for everyday life! You have to help yourself before you help others, which means unconditional, self-love, all the time.
2. You Have Hobbies to Enjoy
There’s something so exciting about scheduling into your planner that badminton class you’ve been thinking about all month that makes you feel giddy all over! Spending time doing hobbies; whether it’s working in the garden, sitting in the sun, reading a book, taking a class…whatever it might be you own it, and savour the time, for yourself. Finding something that makes you feel good and passes the time in an entertaining and/or soothing way is essential in a world where everything goes by so fast.
3. Exercise Is a Habit
When you get into shape, when you start enjoying exercising, it becomes a habit that if you don’t schedule the time to do it, you feel like you’re missing something. The feeling of doing something good for your body and for your mental health is amazing.
Between work, friends, family, your iPhone, and your relationship, you’re always on the go! Scheduling time for yourself includes locking your phone in your sock drawer, unplugging and putting away your laptop/iPad, and actually listening to the sounds of the birds chirping in the distance. Or, it can be going for a walk along a new path. Or just doing something that makes you happy, away from your electronics. Sometimes, there’s a need to just be by yourself, in more of a present, peaceful way.
5. Prioritize Time to Set Goals
You know it’s easy to get carried away with life. Often you say to yourself, “where has the time gone?!” You think back to the days of your early 20’s and say, “that feels like yesterday”. You know that setting goals in all areas of your life help you succeed, and that taking the time to visualize and plan where you want to be in 1 year, 3 years, and 5 years is the key to your success.
6. Peace and Quiet
That’s right. Studies show that even today, women work as long as men and have more responsibilities around the home than men do. So, scheduling solitude for the tranquillity that comes with quiet time helps you hone in on your creative skills, unwind, and find more pleasure in the present moment (which research says really does make people happier. If you want to find out more about mindfulness and great benefits of focusing on the present moment, read our article: “6 Reasons Why Integrating Mindfulness Into Your Life Is Helpful”.
You can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first.
Why You Should Never Assume Exclusivity
Never assume exclusivity.
Assumptions are one of those thought processes that can lead to misunderstandings and miscommunication in dating and relationships. We are in the era of choices and, unless you ask, you may find that your date is also dating other people.
But how to ask such thing? Here are 3 useful tips for handling the touchy subject of “exclusivity”:
1. Know What You Want
A confident, assertive woman is feminine, and assure of what she wants in her personal life as well as her professional life. If you’ve checked off all the “green flags” you want in your date, and you think he is worth getting to know better, then that will lead you to tip number 2.
2. Bring up the conversation of exclusivity
Express to him how you feel about him, and explore with open-ended questions how he feels about you. If you are finding that he’s closed off and avoids the conversation, then that may be a hint he’s not ready to commit to only you.
3. Make a Decision
After you’ve talked about exclusivity, shared your desires, and listened to his responses, it’s time for your conclusions about it. Make your own calculated decision about whether this guy is worth seeing more of. Don’t hang around if you aren’t aligned, and pay attention to those “signs” you feel on the inside. A women’s intuition is strong and, usually, right. Trust yourself! The right time to bring up the subject is when you, the confident, assertive woman, knows he’s worth keeping around. If you are feeling good about the way he treats you, and the way you treat him, then go for it!
It’s too late when you assume you’re exclusive and find out he’s also dating other people. Feelings of betrayal hurt, but can be avoided with open communication!
Why Being Kind Is Important
Yesterday I was waiting for the bus to take me downtown for a meeting. As I was waiting at the bus stop, a lady walked up to another woman and asked her if she could use a free pass. The lady being asked, looked a bit surprised, as if she was shocked to have somebody offer her something like this. Those little acts of kindness can have a huge impact on people on the long run, especially in relationships.
Random acts of kindness go a long way.
According to research by Dr. John and Julie Gottman, the positive perspective keeps the ship afloat. In romantic relationships, they say that it takes 5 positive interactions to weigh 1 negative interaction. In other words, if the ratio of positive to negative interaction during the conflict was greater than or equal to 5:1 then couples were more or less stable and happy.
If you want to learn more about the 5:1, you can watch Dr. Gottman’s video here:
Have you noticed the 5:1 in your life? How do you feel after a conflict? Do you notice it takes time to heal the wounds?
Why not embrace the positive and share acts of kindness today!
It’s Your Choice – My #1 Tip for Changing Perspective
Yesterday marked my first day exploring downtown Vancouver. I decided that with the sun shining, I would take the opportunity and sit by the beach. So I found myself a rock and curled up with the view of the ocean and the mountains in the distance.
There was a man next to me, probably in his mid-20’s, relaxing and sunbathing. As I fell into a blissful feeling, enjoying the warmth on my face as I read my book, I noticed the guy beside me was swimming! As a note, although I’m in Vancouver now, it is still only the 7th of April.
Before I decided to leave, I decided I would initiate a few words with him. So, I asked:
Me: “How cold was the water?”
Him: “It was really cold. But, if you tell yourself it’s really cold you’ll never get in. I come down to the beach every day in the summer. I live close to here. I’ve been wanting to come swimming all week, but today was finally warm enough. Cold is relative.”
What impressed me the most was his choice of words. It was obvious to me that:
- if you want something bad enough you’ll do it
- if you keep a positive perspective you’ll face adversity
- your words affect your actions
- what is okay for me, may not be okay for you. But if it aligns with your values, goals, and desires, you’re being authentic.
Although there was a bit more to our conversation, this was the gist of it.
So here is your tip:
I think we can all take a piece of his perspective and try to use it more in our daily lives.
Have you caught yourself reframing your self-talk or your words? How has it helped you? What helped you change your perspective? Share it down below in the comments!
Disagreeing but Staying Cool
We are human! Which also means, there’s no shortage of varying opinions, views, and thoughts on topics that we encounter every day. Politics, religion, how to raise kids, money, family – any of these topics, plus more, can have an influence on your interactions with others. But what happens when you disagree about topics with a romantic partner, or family member, or friend? Can you keep your point of view without offending or ruining the relationship?
Here are 3 strategies to disagreeing on certain issues while still maintaining a strong connection with your loved ones:
1. Ask Yourself Why
Sometimes people like to argue, for the sake of arguing. Maybe you grew up in a household where people disagreed often, or maybe you have strong opinions on most subjects. However, ask yourself, is having a strong point of view worth it in this relationship? If you feel strongly about a topic maybe it’s worth it to express your opinions in an open, assertive way. Using “I-Statements” is a healthy way to express opinions without offending or insulting those you’re conversing with.
Also, be conscious of your environment. A workplace or family gathering is not the place to have a heated debate. Sometimes taking a deep breath or two and waiting till later to express your views can help you with expressing assertively, rather than aggressively.
2. Practice Respect
It’s perfectly fine to express your thoughts and opinions, but doing so in a respectful way is a sure way to keep the peace, and keep your relationship. Sometimes, this can be difficult if you get worked up and feel heated about a particular subject, but expressing yourself assertively without name calling or bad language can be a sure way to disagree respectfully.
3. Take a Break
Sometimes, you will notice that the argument, or disagreement, keeps going around in circles. Are you disagreeing on the same thing you discussed 45-minutes ago? Agreeing on taking a break and putting the issue “aside” can help you calm down, feel more positive emotions, and gain a different perspective to help you come to common grounds with the person you’re disagreeing with. Give it a try – and don’t forget to practice deep breathing!
Disagreeing on important or tough issues can be done in a peaceful, productive way! Not every debate or argument needs to end with one person conforming to the other’s point of view. By using respectful language, keeping your emotions in check, and listening to and valuing the other person’s story, you can successfully agree to disagree. Remember, it takes two to tango!
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