Finding Healthy, Lasting Love: What the Research Says

So many of us long for a relationship that feels steady, safe, and deeply fulfilling; and yet, finding that kind of love can feel incredibly discouraging at times. In my work, I hear from clients who feel lonely, “not enough,” or worried that real love may not be possible for them. These thoughts are painful, but they’re also incredibly common. Therapy can absolutely help shift those internal narratives, but there are also evidence-based tools that can empower people to build the kind of partnership they want.

One innovative approach comes from Dr. Robert Epstein, who developed what he calls Love Counselling, a proactive, skills-based model grounded in research on long-term relationship success. At the core of his work are the Four Pillars of Love and a set of seven essential love skills, competencies that help couples navigate conflict, communicate effectively, and maintain emotional closeness over the long term. Epstein’s assessment tool, the Epstein Love Competencies Inventory (ELCI), has been validated with more than 11,000 participants across 50 countries, making it one of the largest cross-cultural studies of relationship skills to date (Epstein, 2009). The ELCI is available free online and offers a meaningful way to understand your strengths and growth areas in relationships.

Epstein also created the Are We Good Together? compatibility assessment, which looks at how well partners meet each other’s core relationship needs. The idea is supported by decades of relationship science: when two people feel emotionally safe, mutually supported, and attracted to each other, the likelihood of sustaining long-term satisfaction increases significantly (Reis & Aron, 2008). This assessment is also free and can offer clarity for individuals or couples wanting to build a healthy foundation.

If you’re feeling stuck in your dating life, or unsure why you keep attracting the same kinds of relationships, tools like these, paired with therapy, can help you develop insight, intention, and confidence. You may also want to read our article “Throw Away the Checklist”, which explores how rethinking rigid expectations can open the door to more meaningful and aligned connections.

Healthy love isn’t just luck, it’s a set of learnable skills. And with the right guidance and awareness, it’s absolutely possible.