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Two Basic Emotions In Life – Love and Fear

"Different people define emotions in different ways. Some make a distinction between emotions and feelings saying that a feeling is the response part of the emotion and that an emotion includes the situation or experience, the interpretation, the perception, and the response or feeling related to the experience of a particular situation. For the purposes of this article, I use the terms interchangeably.

John D. (Jack) Mayer says, “Emotions operate on many levels. They have a physical aspect as well as a psychological aspect. Emotions bridge thought, feeling, and action – they operate in every part of a person, they affect many aspects of a person, and the person affects many aspects of the emotions.”

http://www.mkprojects.com/fa_emotions.html 

Here is a beautiful video on emotions. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=armP8TfS9Is#at=99

What is the lesson to be learned?

Tip: Listen for the total message. Hear what emotions are being shared, and how the person feels. Showing geuine care and empathy goes a long way.

Frequently in my practice I have individuals share their struggles with making life decisions. These decisions revolve around: What to do next? To stay with my partner or to leave? To find a new career or put up with my current? etc.

There really isn't an easy answer to these questions. We will all encounter various transitions in our lives and some of the answers or paths to making these decisions will come easier than others.

Clients Ask: How can I make the transition during this decision making proces easier?

Here are a few tips to keep in mind: 

• I quote Mr. Miyagi from Karate Kid, "have balance, and focus"
• Write out your choices ...allowing you to empty your mind of emotion and use more logical reasoning when deciding
• And, trust your inner voice and stick to your decision. You'll feel confident you made the decision and stuck to the plan.

Dr. John Gottman and his team share some insight into how to make your relationship more successful:

"Our research shows that the more open you are to accepting influence from your partner, the stronger the positive perspective, mutual respect, and trust will be in your relationship. Having these components in your relationship helps you and your partner to face the world together with greater confidence that comes from being supported and feeling that you are a part of a team."

SHHHhh.....

The life of an introvert.

Can you relate to this video?

http://www.finerminds.com/happiness/the-power-of-introverts-susan-cain/

There's something special about finding quiet, alone time, and letting go of all the demands, noise, and expectations we place on ourselves, and society expects.

Take the next 10 minutes and enjoy the solitude.

"In our studies we found that couples who were divorced 6 years after their wedding turned toward each other only 33% of the time; the ones still together after six years had an 86% turning-toward rate." (The Science of Trust, Dr. John Gottman) The bottom line is that it is easy to get caught up in other things, but make an effort to turn towards one another and you're relationship will be all the better for it. K.Ramsburgh TGI staff.

"Going to someone for comfort is a Bid for Connection. Turning Towards is any form of communication both verbal and non-verbal which communicates that I hear you or see that you are making a Bid to Connect, and I am Turning Towards you to connect.

86% of the time that one person makes a Bid for Connection during the course of the study, their partner Turned Towards them.

Turning Towards overall during the course of the study."

"Be Kind And Have Sex 'Till Death Do You Part"

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vicki-larson/be-kind-and-have-sex-till_b_1142533.html

What side of the brain do you think you use more?

Check out this website from McGraw Hill...remember to take the test to see what side of your brain is more dominant!

http://www.mcgrawhill.ca/college/feldmandinardo/blog/?p=676

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/03/110311153541.htm

http://www.modernmeditation.ca/how-to-become-level-5-leader/#more-1630

Ah yes. The birds are chirping, tulips are growing, and days are getting longer. We are officially in the season of Spring, and with all these changes taking place I'm sure you feel the urge to clean up your relationships. Before you get the broom and sweep people off to the side, first recognize what is at hand... Relationships with people (e.g., family, love, friends, business, etc.). We are social beings and at the end of the day the people in our lives provide us with happiness, satisfaction, and positivity. Try and identify what makes you uncomfortable now, and where you want to improve it.

Does your best friend put you down in front of other people? Does your partner reinforce your bad habits? You feel crummy after talking to that family member...but guilty if you don't? You are incredibly bored, tired, and want out of your relationship? Do people put too many demands on you, making you feel like you must have all the answers and solutions in the world?

It's understandable, we can all relate to some type of relationship like this in our lives.

1. Air out the bad news and differences.
• Listen, communicate, and accept without judgment. When we take the time to effectively listen to someone and the concerns they are having they feel we genuinely care, and are interested in what they have to say. By doing so, negative feelings will be less likely to be present and both parties will be heard. Remember to communicate with out interrupting, and use "I" statements.
  
  
2. Open up and breathe in the winds of change.
• It's easy to judge, or even to take those people in your life for granted. This Spring, try adjusting your sails and chart new waters with your relationships. Experiment with new ways of listening (i.e., put the cell phone away and listen attentively to words and body language). Open up to trying something new - remember that embracing minor discomforts makes you a stronger person. 
  
  
3. Provide the necessary components for growth.
• As the trees bloom leaves, flowers stretch out of the garden, and the grass grows greener, you need to recognize that it takes two to tango and take personal responsibility for what you can do to enhance your relationship.
  

Whether you decide to embark on one or all of the above, I am confident you will be happy you did. Relationships need attentive care and attention - just like growing a garden. Here are two good questions to consider before doing too much 'sweeping': How is this relationship valuable to me? And what am I willing to do to retain its worth?

Gratitude

Research shows that gratitude is an important emotion for good mental health.  As we proceed through 2011, it is important to take time to reflect on the good things in our lives and prepare for the future. A good way to do this is by writing a letter to a friend, co-worker or loved one expressing your gratitude.

What does this Valentine's Day mean to you? Set the commercial aspect aside, will you focus on one area of your romantic relationship this February? Take 10 minutes and brainstorm new ways you can connect with your partner; either surprise them with these actions or communicate your ideas.

If you are waiting to still meet your special Valentine focus on what you can do for yourself, reward yourself with something you enjoy. Or, maybe you want to practice your art of flirting.

AskMen.com published 10 signs she's flirting with you. 

In person, body language, eye contact, text messages, Facebook, kind words, pictures, gestures, smiles, laughs and tickles...how are you showing love this February?

1. She smiles
2. She keeps walking by
3. She draws attention to her mouth
4. She isolates herself
5. She mimics your body movements
6. She touches you
7. She makes eye contact
8. She enters your personal space
9. She approaches you to talk
10. She plays with her hair

References:

http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating_60/80_dating_list.html

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199901/flirting-fascination

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flirting

Throw Away the Checklist

1. Check
   
2. Check
3. Check
4. ...
   
5. ...
   
6. ...
   

We all have a picture of what our ideal mate will be like. Tall, dark, and handsome; creative, sensitive, and smart — these qualities often become part of a mental checklist we use, consciously or not, on every new man we date. We create an idea of what we want and assume that it's only a matter of time before he comes along, right? Wrong! Having a checklist for love may actually prevent you from finding it. Even though it seems like a smart way to find what you're looking for, that mental list can cause you to miss opportunities that are right in front of you. So resist the temptation to put more energy into your expectations and open yourself up to the possibilities life presents you instead. Rather than focusing on external qualities, such as appearance, hobbies, or professional success, think about internal characteristics. Ultimately what makes for a happy couple is two people who want the same things. Finding happiness in a shared life boils down to having common values, not that he likes to mountain climb, is 6'2", and comes from a good family! All that is just the icing on the cake. The cake itself may be someone you never expected.

"Here are some fun exercises, all inspired by scientific studies, that you can use to deliberately create emotional intimacy with a parter—even someone you barely know:

1. Two as One. Embracing each other gently, begin to sense your partner’s breathing and gradually try to synchronize your breathing with his or hers. After a few minutes, you might feel that the two of you have merged.
2. Soul Gazing. Standing or sitting about two feet away from each other, look deeply into each other’s eyes, trying to look into the very core of your beings. Do this for about two minutes and then talk about what you saw.
3. Monkey Love. Standing or sitting fairly near each other, start moving your hands, arms and legs any way you like—but in a fashion that per fectly imitates your partner. This is fun but also challenging. You will both feel as if you are moving voluntarily, but your actions are also linked to those of your partner.
4. Falling in Love. This is a trust exercise, one of many that increase mutual feelings of vulnerability. From a standing position, simply let yourself fall backward into the arms of your partner. Then trade places. Repeat several times and then talk about your feelings. Strangers who do this exercise sometimes feel connected to each other for years.
5. Secret Swap. Write down a deep secret and have your partner do the same. Then trade papers and talk about what you read. You can continue this process until you have run out of secrets. Better yet, save some of your secrets for another day.
6. Mind-Reading Game. Write down a thought that you want to convey to your partner. Then spend a few minutes wordlessly trying to broadcast that thought to him or her, as he or she trie to guess what it is. If he or she cannot guess, reveal what you were thinking. Then switch roles.
7. Let Me Inside. Stand about four feet away from each other and focus on each other. Every 10 seconds or so move a bit closer until, after several shifts, you are well inside each other’s personal space (the boundary is about 18 inches). Get as close as you can without touching.
8. Love Aura. Place the palm of your hand as close as possible to your partner’s palm without actually touching. Do this for several minutes, during which you will feel not only heat but also, some times, eerie kinds of sparks."

Reference:

http://drrobertepstein.com/downloads/Epstein-HOW_SCIENCE_CAN_HELP_YOU_FALL_IN_LOVE-Sci_Am_Mind-JanFeb2010.pdf

Spivey, C. (2010). Desperation or Desire? The Role of Risk Aversion in Marriage. Economic Inquiry, 48(2), 499-516.

• "Finding an ‘‘acceptable’’ mate is easier than finding the ‘‘perfect’’ mate, and the risk averse searcher may be willing to accept one of the first options that comes along because waiting for a potentially better option is not worth the uncertainty" (p.501).

• "For example, if both spouses work and one faces an unemployment spell, one income remains to support the couple in the interim. The shorter the time to marriage, the sooner the risk averse individual can insure themselves against exogenous income shocks. However, the higher the quality (a function of income) of a potential spouse, the greater the insurance provided against exogenous income shocks" (p. 502).

• "Risk aversion should also have some bearing on whom an individual marries, not only when they marry" (p. 511).

• "Wilke et al. (2006) find that women’s perceived riskiness of activities in various domains (ethics, investment, gambling, and health) is negatively correlated with the attractiveness of men

  participating in those activities" (p. 513).

• "Extremely intelligent and successful women may have a harder time finding partners because ‘‘men want somebody intelligent enough so that they can recognize the man’s brilliance, but not

  necessarily enough to challenge them—or so smart that they find someone else more interesting’’ (Klein 2006, 60). This could be related to why very risk averse men in the current

  study marry women with lower quality compared to more risk-loving men, who may be willing to take a chance with the intelligent women" (p. 513).
  

• "...Search theory predicts that the more risk averse will marry the more risk averse at an earlier age, while the risk lovers will be more likely to marry each other later in life" (p. 514).

How much space should we have in our relationships? It's important to grow together but you need to also tend to yourself. Focus on growing yourself in all areas of your life; mental, physical, spiritual, cultural, financial, career

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/therapist-within/2010/09/growing-a-garden-of-individualit-and-togetherness/

"THE SPARK is the natural chemistry between two people creating desire, admiration, cooperation & respect. It's maintained naturally between two people who resonate emotionally, mentally, physically & spiritually. People wonder how the spark differs from lust. Lust gives you physical attraction and desire, and this is a... small component of the spark, but not even close to being the whole spark" (SB)!

5 Secrets to a Successful Long-Term Relationship or Marriage

By John M. Grohol, Psy.D.

1. Compromise
   
   
2. Communicate
   
   
3. Choose Your battles carefully
   
   
4. Don't hide Your needs
   
   
5. Don’t underestimate the importance of trust and honesty
   

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/5-secrets-to-a-successful-long-term-relationship-or-marriage/

"Dr. Epstein is helping to create a new proactive kind of counseling—Love Counseling—that will help people build solid, lasting love relationships supported by the Four Pillars. He has also created an innovative, comprehensive new test of Love Skills—the seven essential skill-sets we need to be successful in long-term love relationships. The test, the Epstein Love Competencies Inventory (or ELCI, pronounced like the name "Elsie") can be taken free of charge by clicking here or by visiting MyLoveSkills.com. "

http://myloveskills.com/